Working on my marriage

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I really want to work on my marriage.
My h and I met 26 years ago and the chemistry was amazing. We had fun, we loved spending time together and the physical attraction was anazing for us both.
He was fantastic with children and as had always wanted to settle down and have a family he seemed to have great potential.
He was inexperienced like me but together we learned the joys of lovemaking. I don't think I could have asked for more from a s partner as he was generous and patient and respectful of all my needs and desires.
As you all know, things really changed for us about 4 years ago when he became very ill. It's been very rocky since then but today is my recovery birthday and I want to mark this day by making a commitment to my marriage. I hope to map my progress as I try to become once again the loving, faithful, dedicated wife and mother I used to be before getting lost in my addiction.
Trusting in God as I make this promise to myself and to you all here.

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I promise to get back into the habit of kissing my h before I go to sleep and to kiss him goodbye in the morning.

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Trying to think positive:

My h's good points:

he is very hard working, gets up early every morning to take our younger daughter into town whether he is going to work or not,
he provides for me and the girls and allows us to have a very decent lifestyle,
he does love me and our daughters,
I still love his touch and kisses after a quarter of a century, he is an excellent lover and always respects my requests, when we are alone he makes me feel beautiful and pays me compliments,
he takes me dancing and stays longer than he would like to to make me happy.

he wants to go out more often and take me away on weekends ( I'm the one that says no)

He is good with money but cautious. We have no debts.
He is realistic about the future while I am avoidant. He tries to make me take an interest in our finances and wants to get me up to speed on our investments while I am avoidant. He has put all our property in my name altho he knows I would never take advantage of that. I'd be more willing to hand it all over to him if our marriage ended.

He puts up with my dreamy attitude and my refusal to adapt to life in this part of the world. He has put up with my depression and anxiety and stood by me through months of invalidating panic attacks 6 years ago. During my addiction and EMA, which he is unaware of, he never gave up on me even when I was isolating myself night and day and refusing to interact with him at all at times.

What I've done to damage our r/S: (apart from EMA and addiction insanity)

I stopped talking to my h about my work and R/s with my colleagues because I started to be like them and went against everything I had believed in till then.

I refuse to talk to him about money matters regarding my family even tho I know what he is saying is right.

I put my family before him and criticise him to my parents and siblings

I paved the way for separation and told people we were having lots of problems and blaming it on him while I was the one acting out

I stopped initiating intimacy

I started refusing intimacy when he initiated

I deliberately provoked him when we argued and pushed buttons I knew would infuriate him

I no longer cooked for him the way I used to or baked at weekends.

I put him down about his weight and treat him like a child regarding his table manners

I'm very passive aggressive when he confronts me about anything

I've become very selfish with my time

I never want to watch the films or progs he likes

I keep my distance and choose not to sit next to him on the couch in the evenings.

I sometimes totally ignore him when he comes home from work


I'm not taking all the blame here cos he does many of the same things to me but I'm accepting my part in the possible failure of my r/s.

What I want to do is CHANGE my behaviour (in the hope he changes his) and turn our r/s around without becoming codep.

I do love him and it is highly unlikely I will leave him. I also have to be careful that I don't become totally anorexic as I have been emotionally and sexually anorexic towards him since I've been in recovery.

But I want love and romance and intimacy in my life, not a dead marriage.

And my marriage WILL die if i don't make a conscious effort to resuscitate my feelings for him.


G