|
Post by g on Apr 9, 2011 9:40:06 GMT -5
Hi ML and P, I don't know if I have self hatred. I know I think I'm inferior and that I'm never happy with anything I do well. I always compare myself to those who are far better than me and as a result always feel less than. People tell me I'm talented, intelligent and sensitive. And attractive and that I look a lot younger than I actually am. That I can dance well and I outshine the girls that are two decades (or more) younger than I am. I get a momentary high but almost immediately think 'if only they knew how low I stooped' or 'what if the truth came out?' Of course these are recent considerations following my EMA but I still had the same attitude to myself even before that. I suppose it's the exact opposite of self esteem but is it self hatred? I don't love myself but oi don't hate mysself either. I just think I'm 'less than' and that's probably because I've always been a perfectionist.
3 years ago I must have realised there was no way I could ever be perfect so I decided to really punish myself. I loved myself and hated myself throughout my EMA. One extreme to the other and my OCD was at its worst ever. Glad I'm not like that any more but I still have a very long way to go. Nothing like stating the obvious, eh? G
|
|
|
Post by primrose on Apr 9, 2011 16:18:06 GMT -5
Hey lovely G. Sounds like self hatred to have that low opinion of yourself. I certainly relate to that. When people value you that isn't self-esteem, it's other-esteem. It was the basis of my step 4 really, seeing that I had very little internal sense of esteem, so when other people valued me, I felt valuable. When they hated me, I felt I deserved to be hated. It's not an easy thing to begin to feel true self-esteem and not need validation from others. It does happen though. My self-esteem is higher than it was, although I wouldn't say it was brilliant. It's important to really see that self-esteem isn't what other people think of you though, that's one of the reasons LAs are so vulnerable. Not having that core of self-love makes a person very vulnerable to the flattery and seduction of a player.
I think sometimes people with deep self-hatred don't even know they have it. It could be that it's so normal for you to feel worthless that you don't even notice it much? That self-blame you have G, that will ease when you make amends to yourself. You deserve to have self-esteem, to love yourself and to forgive yourself.
|
|
|
Post by moonlight on Apr 10, 2011 4:15:49 GMT -5
Hey G and Prim
I so relate to what you said Prim, that not having a core of self-love was at the root of my fourth step and still is. Good thing is, there are islands of time of self-worth now, like today.
G, I've had a time when I fell in love with myself. I felt all the highs of being in love, only it was with myself. Now it's gone and sometimes comes back for a while, but to me that's my checkpoint. That's where I wanna be as much as possible. It's wonderful. It means great independence and great self-love. It also means (contrary to how it might sound) great love for others and having a lot to give. It means I can connect to the source of energy myself, I don't need others as in-betweens.
I feel there is love in the universe and if I can connect to that, I feel happy and content. Usually I use others to connect. But sometimes I can "do" it myself. That's when heaven on earth arises. Even when I'm feeling sad.
I guess that's my concept of a higher power.
For my ninth step, I think I'm going to answer the step 8 questions towards myself first. Than I'm going to write an amend to myself and bottomline stuff in my acting and thinking towards/about myself. Than I'm going to print that out, decorate it and laminate it and give it a nice place.
|
|
|
Post by primrose on Apr 10, 2011 12:32:28 GMT -5
I relate a lot to that M. I have periods of feeling really centred and connected. Then it goes, or wanes, and then it comes back. I notice it usually goes when I have to do something new and scary, or when I am facing old feelings coming up. Usually after I have faced something frightening and survived I get a great feeling of contentment and self-love. It happened after I grieved so much after the last IVF. I was in so much pain, and then afterwards I felt really good about myself. That's why I'm willing to embrace the childhood feelings of pain/worthlessness etc. Letting them come up and processing them brings so much confidence, that it's worth it every time.
|
|