My 8th and 9th step

[moonlight]

Hi everyone

Since I finished my 7th step and am still actively reaching out to god on a daily basis, I thought it was good to continue with the 8th step. So I've listed all persons I have harmed and I'm going to explore for each person, whether I've acted in a way that I still feel good about or not.
A problem for me with this step: I've hurt people when I've put boundaries. For example, I used to have a friend on high school that I spent a lot of time with. Actually, I had quite a few of these so-called friends. But I didn't really like them. At least, I didn't really feel much for them. Because I felt very down and out myself, I felt inferior, and I felt I was only with them because other people wouldn't be with me. I know this sounds horrible, but it's the truth.

If it would be now instead of then, I'd handle it very differently. I wouldn't pretend to be friends anymore. I would bear the loneliness instead. Actually, I'd be much more socially capable and would probably be able to find friends that I did feel connected with. Or I'd decide to switch schools. Or get therapy, support, etcetera. So what I really feel I've done wrong is to pretend.

But the thing that has hurt them probably, is that I suddenly broke off all contact with them. I couldn't bring myself to pretend anymore. And I didn't want to hurt them and tell them that I didn't feel any connection towards them. By the way, in retrospect I do think that would have been the fair way. Although I'm not sure either, since I did speak this directly to one of the girls, who felt very very rejected as a result.

Now I don't know what to tell them. I don't want to contact them to tell them I'm sorry because the whole high school time I pretended to like them (that would be plain rude..). I could say I'm sorry that I broke off the contact in such a quick and sudden way. But I'm afraid they'll want contact again and that I'll have to reject them again. Because that's not what feels good to me. I'm willing to contact them, that's not the problem. I'm willing to apologize. I just don't want to give them a signal that I want to reconnect.

Any suggestions?

Thanks, love ML

[primrose]

Could you do a spiritual amend? If you think contact might hurt them, then perhaps that isn't the way to go. Perhaps these friends of yours were love addicted to your avoidance and unavailability, so contact for them might very well be painful for them if you are not re-connecting to have a friendship. Obviously, I don't know if that's the case M, but if you have any worries that contact would hurt them, it might be better to make your amend another way. P.

[moonlight]

Thanks Prim.
Tonight I dreamed of this girl, so she's already reentering my subconscious. So I trust a solution will work its way out. Maybe I'll coincidentally bump into her or something, I find universe helps in such matters if I'm willing.

[primrose]

I find that too, especially with this step. X

[moonlight]

I think I have one more person on my list. She used to be an OA-friend, but at some point I didn't feel very connected to her anymore. She still wanted to stay very close. I tried to get some distance, but she got very claiming on me, wouldn't slow down our contact. I tried to see each other less often, make it less intense. She got very angry about that. After that, I told her I wanted to cut off the contact period. At some point she sent me a nice postcard, but I never replied to that.

I feel I've hurt her by pretending to feel something for her that I didn't really feel (intimacy). Because I needed her support. And I've hurt her by not replying to her postcard. Those things are against the belief system I hold now.

I still feel that it's better to be straight about my feelings for someone than to pretend. I keep a far better distance now, so that the situation doesn't arise anymore. I've learned a lot.

But I need to make amends to her. I think I'll send her a postcard. It was (frighteningly) easy to find her address on the internet. I think I'll write a text, buy a nice card and post it to her. I'll have to write it so that she won't get the illusion that I would want to restore our contact. I don't think she'd want to do that anymore after how much the situation hurt her, but you never know. So I'd like to share the text with you guys. Thanks in advance.

And there are a few people I want to forgive:

-world leaders or politicians (public people with power) that have done bad things and I feel scared of
-my ex boyfriend, who has cut off the contact with his children
-myself for not being perfect

That will be the next step. And than I think I'm ready to move on.

[moonlight]

Does anyone have a suggestion on how to make spiritual amends? Thanks.

[primrose]

Hi M. I wrote letters and read them aloud in a special place. I prayed for forgiveness and understanding.

[moonlight]

Thanks. I'll do that.

[moonlight]

Hi all

Just wanted to share that I just wrote a postcard with an apology to the girl I talked about. It feels good. I dreamed about doing that last night, so it was time! Now all it needs is a stamp and a post box and it's done. I'm happy.

[moonlight]

I posted the card yesterday and dreamed about the girl tonight. She was happy to receive it. Regardless of the outcome, internally it feels like something has been set back into place.

Right now I realize I need to make a big amend to myself. And I need to stop my degrading behavior and thoughts towards myself. But how to do this??? I've asked for my shortcomings to be removed in the 7th step, and some of them seem to be lighter, but I still make mistakes on a daily basis, hurting myself.

I guess I need to keep track and make amends to myself on a daily basis. But first some sort of big amends. I need to write down how I've hurt myself.

[primrose]

Sounds really good M. For me doing my 9th step meant I added some top lines. I realised how much kinder I had to be to myself. Still working on that! So the focus of my recovery changed more to self-care than anything else, and I'm still in that process now. Like you I harmed myself on a daily basis. I did it mostly through negative self talk. It was a step forward for me when I saw that the negative self talk went hand in hand with me escaping into "happy" fantasy. Mostly now with fantasy it is the negative fantasy I still have, all the self hatred towards myself. Although since my step 9 it is better because I did make the decision to make amends and be kind and loving to myself. My step 10 questions really helped because by taking a daily inventory I began to see my own part regularly and began to see my own simple human-ness and forgive myself. I do an informal step 10 every day and that does help me. Some people do a formal one and put it through the columns, hut I don't do that, I just write and see my part to the best of my ability, and let it go to the best of my ability. Good luck with your amends to self M. You deserve to be treated very well.

[moonlight]

I received a card back from the girl I contacted (see above). I was scared to open it, but it was a very nice letter. She said thanks for the card and also indicated that she realized she'd reacted in a very extreme way when I took my distance, which made her realize she needed to do some more work psychologically. She also wished me the best. So a very good feeling. Happy about that. A closed 9th step, that's how it feels. I wouldn't be afraid to walk into her anymore.

[moonlight]

Last person on my list is: me. I've been very hard on myself and still am. I hurt myself on a daily basis. I tell myself that I'm not good enough and call myself all kinds of bad names: lazy, stupid, a bad orthopedagogist, arrogant, smaller than other people. I ask impossible things from myself. I demand that I control the outcome of my actions. I demand that I always know an answer to each problem that anyone comes to me about in my work. Otherwise I'm worth nothing. I'm a nobody, a loser. I don't deserve to live. It would be better if I weren't there. I deserve punishment. I deserve to be hit. I'm a stupid bitch. It's a disaster if I don't perform like I should. I'm inferior, there's something wrong with me.

Why do I call myself these names?
Out of avoidance probably. It's a survival mechanism probably. It's what I learned to do from my parents (mostly my mother, mostly directed towards herself or my sister).

It's hard. I'd like to make amends to myself, but I don't know how to stop these thoughts so I can't promise myself I won't do it again.

PS Don't worry, I know these thoughts sound very hard and they are but I've had them for years and years, it's nothing new. It's not that I'm in a bad state or very depressed right now, and I take good care of myself externally. I'd never do anything to hurt myself physically.

[primrose]

I relate M. I still have a lot of self hatred. For me once a lot of the high fantasies went, I could see more and more of the self hatred and the negative fantasies. I don't have answers about this as I'm in it myself and working on it. I do a few things with it. If it's overwhelming me and stopping me from being able to work, I talk lovingly to myself and give myself nice parenting. But I also at other times let it be and let it come up and really feel it if it means I can still do my work and my life and be okay even with the hatred following me around in my mind. I don't know what's suggested for it apart from letting go the thoughts in the same way that people let go of high fantasies. I do that too, but I haven't bottom lined it. Very good luck with it M.

[moonlight]

Thank you Prim.