Step Seven question 1

[primrose]

Do you truly understand humility? Discuss and reflect on how humility has affected your life.

[g]

I used to believe I was humble but I wasn’t. I was actually very proud. I believed that I should be put on a pedestal because I was a very talented person.

This goes back to when I was a little girl and my whole life revolved around being the best I could be and excelling at school. I would thrive on the compliments I received from my teachers as I got no such admiration at home. My parents treated me and my 4 siblings as equals so I cannot say they neglected me but a ‘well done’ or ‘we always knew you would do well’ just wasn’t enough for me.
My first truly humbling experience was when I went to university and I suddenly realized that while at school, as a big fish in a small pond I was exceptional, I was no longer ‘the best’. I almost had a nervous breakdown due to homesickness ( I see now I was also going thru withdrawals from my family) but the fact that I had to accept my limitations was a huge blow to my ego.

My pride was hurt and little miss perfect saw herself for the first time in her life as truly imperfect.
As far as my LA is concerned, I had always reacted with pride in previous experiences. My steady bf broke up with me and I raged and decided he didn’t deserve me. I destroyed every photograph or memento I had of us. Three years of my life gone forever and emotions buried somewhere deep inside me. I met my future h on the rebound and my pride meant that I ignored red flags and warnings from friends and family that he wasn’t right for me. I thought I was being humble by choosing a future h who had dropped out of highschool and who came from a family that was humbler than my own.

I acted humble in order to be accepted by people whereas inside, I believed I was far better than they were and that they should be grateful to have me as a friend or in law.
It was only after my EMA that I realized what true humility was. I had to look at myself in the mirror and accept that I was far from perfect. I had been proud enough to believe I could cheat and lie and still be able to live with myself. I could not.
I was humbled before my colleagues at work who had always lived a very liberal life while I had been ‘virtuous’ and faithful to my h while secretly longing to experience the excitement they did. They know all about my affair but also about how negatively it has affected me. I no longer look down on them or judge them so my addiction has humbled me enough to see that I am no different from anyone else. I thank God that I no longer judge anyone or think I am better than anyone.
Initially, when I first got into recovery shame was such a huge weight on my shoulders. That weight has lessened and I see my LA and its results as the most important lesson in my life. Noone should cast stones or judge others as we can all and will make many mistakes in our lives.
Humility means that there can be no pride in our lives. We must look at ourselves and see our faults and limitations but also be able to admit our mistakes. We need to see the good things we can offer others thanks to how we manage to pick ourselves up every time we fall, and HUMBLY use our experience to help and guide others in need.
G

[primrose]

Lovely answer G. I think losing control and realising we are addicted and powerless is an incredible gift. My addiction, like yours, made me human. I think you can help many people, you already do, by being humble and wise when you share your knowledge and experience. P.

[g]

Thank you Primrose. It's wonderful to have you back in action as our step sponsor. Thank you for being here for us.
G

[serenity]

I think i have always had grandiose thoughts from listening to my father look down on ‘normal people’ and my mother living in her own reality with her rose tinted glasses. I latched on to their safety nets because i had no idea how to cope with life without the tools i needed them to give me which they couldn’t.

I didn’t excel at junior school, i was an average student and worked hard when i wanted to but preferred to talk to my friends about boys or play time which often got me in trouble. I remember once using a calculator to answer my maths divisions and getting full marks obviously as I didn’t want to ask for help and thought cheating was far easier than doing the work. This still makes me feel ashamed a bit as i can still believe that my Dad was right at times and that i am stupid.

When i got to secondary school I would come home and just eat and eat and eat in front of the tv. My mum would ask if I’ve done my homework but I would fob her off until I was so tired I couldn’t concentrate and would hardly do any work unless I had to, I remember copying a lot of my science work from friends.

I too had a humbling exp when i went to London college of fashion as i realised that not everyone was like me from my nice school in the country and i felt very vulnerable at times. I being devastated when i was struggling with the amount of work they expected of us as i was looking after my horse bailey and getting up at the crack of dawn and my mum called the college to tell my teacher she was concerned about me. He came up to me and said are you embarrassed that you have a horse and you’re a country girl at heart. I remember saying no not at all but I felt humiliated by mum mothers interference and my tutors judging me as London college of fashion was all about how you looked and what you did and it was a lot of pressure.

I went from being one of the popular girls who felt sure of herself to a nobody that didn’t really fit in with the majority of the fashion students and i was in a lot of fear for most of my time there. I believe it did humble me looking back but at the time i reacted by trying to be the best and spend the whole of my student loan on Karen millens clothes to make up for not feeling a good enough designer I guess. I was also quite deluded as i would get all the work done at the last minutes staying up all night taking pro plus and believing i actually could be the next Stella McCartney.

The guy who had won my heart then abandoned me telling me there were too many other women out there and he couldn’t be with me and this is where the true humbling experience came about but i wasn’t able to cope with not being good enough at college and not being enough for this guy and i started to become depressed and hopeless. This depression lasted on and off for a year during which time i obsessed about going out to live in America where he was working and when that finally fell through i went into a major depressive state and wanted out.

The next guy i chose to go out with was my ex’s old boss and even more debonair and well off so i was looking for a father figure then i believe. I was also on a mission to prove that i was enough even if my ex didn’t think so. It soon ended with the 2nd guy and luckily i was at uni and very happy there. I felt somewhat like i was being forced to be humbled as i had started seeing a guy that i was obsessed with but he took drugs and i needed to stay away, he didn’t treat me well and didn’t want to see me so i ended up going out with a guy from b’ham who i thought wasn’t good enough for me but he seemed sweet so i went a long with it even though i felt above him and we were in a relationship for 2 yrs. The fact that he wanted to stay in b’ham meant that i didn’t want to keep the r/s going and i feel badly that i judge others so much and that my pride seems more important than being humble. Its something that has bothered me for the last 10 years and i worry that i will end up choosing a man for financial security and not my own happiness as i don’t know how to be truly happy with what i have.

I feel humbled by the fact that i went out with a sa even though i knew about recovery and was looking for a healthy man keeping my ex at arms length for some months. It took getting that hurt by this type of guy that got me to face my own recovery fully and now I am just starting to really learn about true humility and i know i’m going to need a lot of help to keep me on the right track with it but i trust in Gods loving guidance and i turn to him to fill me up when i want to turn to a man as much as i can.

[primrose]

Vee, I think you are wonderfully humble and have learnt so much from your experiences. I too had such a knock to my youthful arrogance, although it happened after uni for me when I realised I couldn't just walk into a professional acting career. I was so sure it was going to be easy. It wasn't. I can understand how painful fashion college was for you. My sister went there and felt broken by it. It certainly gets rid of the ego going through experiences like that. I really admire you for embracing humility. P.