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Post by primrose on Oct 16, 2010 9:58:08 GMT -5
Why is it so important to make amends? What emotional harm have you done to yourself and others in your life? Make a list of all the people you have harmed.
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Post by serenity on Jan 4, 2011 11:08:37 GMT -5
I’m back to writing my list of people i need to make amends to after my slip questions.
I’ve made a lot of my amends through Coda but there are some big ones still to do which are causing me some fear. My mother is the biggest one for me as its where all my la issues came from and then after her it was my brother and then my father but i’ve made my amends to him.
My mother i will have to wait to do when i decide the time is right to be back in touch with her and i’m having a lot more compassion for her now so i don’t feel as fearful of that amends. However my brother is a whole different matter.
I had a lot of anger come up when I was at a slaa meeting last night as we were talking about step 8 which is where I’m at in my programme now and people were sharing a lot about their families and making amends.
I think this may be to do with the fact that he rejected me on my birthday and told me he doesn’t want to have anything more to do with me because I decided not to be in contact with mum but I also still feel a lot of anger for the way he treated me as a sibling growing up and for his aggression towards me and my god daughter 3 years ago. At the time I accepted an apology from him because my mum wanted us to spend Christmas together and he asked me to apologise to him for bringing Emilia into the house as he hates children which I said I wouldn’t do as his aggression towards me cancelled out any apology I would have been able to give him for upsetting him by bringing a baby into the house.
I see now that I was trying to rescue my friend Gen by having her and Emilia to stay because she wanted to leave her husband (one of the many times) and that my co dependence caused a problem at my parents house because of my brother reaction to having them stay. However, I don’t know if I need to make amends to him for this because as I say I feel he loses any right to an apology because of how outrageous his behaviour was to me (threatening to kill me and Emilia).
I have written other amends to him about not being honest with him and being passive aggressive towards him which I want to make at some point even if it’s just by writing a letter and burning it but if he has told me he doesn’t want to see me then I’m wondering if I should just continue not to have him in my life as I don’t trust him and I don’t like him. I do have compassion for him because i know why he is sick but he is a younger more violent version of my father and he frightens me, he doesn’t want to help himself and I honestly fear for the woman he settles down with.
Dear Father God, i give my unforgiving heart to you now and ask for the humility and love within to help me forgive my brother for the way he’s treated me. I understand he has been treated inhumanely himself by our parents when he was sent off to boarding school at 7 yrs old without being told about it, I know that he drug addiction came out of our dysfunctional upbringing and that he needs my pity, patience and tolerance as it says in the big book. I know that you are forgiving beyond our wildest dreams and the love you have for me is everlasting and i pray for the ability to be able to see your amazing forgiveness of others in everyday life to help me see how i can forgive my brother for hurting me. Help me remember that it is not up to me to judge him for how he has treated me and that you ultimately take our abusers to judgement. I give him to you Father God and ask that you can help me to set myself free with your loving hand so that i can find my own peace within. Amen
Any insight on this would be helpful.
V
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Post by primrose on Jan 4, 2011 13:01:34 GMT -5
dear Vee, I know you have a wonderful sponsor and I'm sure she'll help with this a lot, the thought that came to me was that making an amend is about safety for you and the other person. If you will not be safe making the amend, or you fear it may stir your brother up if you make it, perhaps you could consider a spiritual amend.
Also (this is just my feeling and take your own guidance from God on this one) I think it's a good idea to do step 9 when you have some forgiveness. If you are still angry it may be premature. For sure, step 9 does bring about healing and that is a wonderful thing, but if you still have resentments that are very strong it may be that doing a bit more work on your feelings about your brother would help. If step 4 hasn't shifted the anger it might be that there are deeper feelings to excavate. But do be guided by God and your sponsor on this. I may well be wrong about it. P. x
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Post by serenity on Jan 10, 2011 6:31:13 GMT -5
I've been going over my step 4 and looking at my part in the resentments/harms to help me let go further and i'm praying to have my unforging heart set free so that i can move forward. I watched an old childhood movie over the weekend which brought up some imense pain around my brother and mother and i'm asking God to bring me more of these experiences so that i can grieve properly and i will just give myself time to do that.
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Post by serenity on Feb 14, 2011 10:21:28 GMT -5
After re reading my step 4 for my brother I feel I can accept why he got as angry as he did. He told me that he wasn’t happy about having Emilia in the house and I think he was being very critical of her which I didn’t like but I also couldn’t handle his directness and my way of coping with it was to pretend he wasn’t angry. I remember talking to Emilia and saying ‘he’s a grumpy man isn’t he, let’s not worry about him’ or something like that and this is what I’ve learnt from my mum with the way she used to handle dad.
It would infuriate anyone if they were expressing their feelings and the other person totally ignored them and whilst Gareth’s behaviour was extreme and totally wrong I can be honest and accept that my behaviour would have been triggering for anyone esp someone with his temper.
I wasn’t willing to accept that he had any right to be angry with me because of my perfectionist ways and I felt like I was the saviour by helping my friend out and what a good friend I was but it was my co dependence that led me to do this and I couldn’t see it.
I feel a big shift in forgiveness for him and acceptance of my part in it all.
God is faithful and is obviously answering my prayers to shift my unforgiving heart around my family.
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Post by moonlight on Apr 10, 2011 4:35:04 GMT -5
Dear Vee
Hat off for you for taking so much responsibility and being prepared to examine your own anger. For me it would be a danger to take on too much responsibility. I think it's important to not take too much responsibility. The other person has a right to be seen as an equal, with equal responsibility. I have a tendency to put myself above others and take on the whole load of the problem on my shoulders, picturing them as a mere victim. That's not right either, to me. Also it puts to much burden on me. I guess the alternative seems harder to me. Which would be: accepting as a child that I was powerless over my parents' bad behavior. It felt saver to think it was all my fault than to accept that the world was an unsafe place. But now I'm adult and I can take care of my own safety. So now I can accept that people can make very antisocial decisions and can be a threat. It doesn't make them inferior beings, but I don't agree with their choices.
I don't know of course it this is applicable to you, it's what it made me think of in my own experience.
One last thing: I think you're acting very bravely by taking your own stand in this family.
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Post by moonlight on Apr 11, 2011 5:44:02 GMT -5
"Why is it so important to make amends? What emotional harm have you done to yourself and others in your life? Make a list of all the people you have harmed."
I've made amends to everyone I think I might have harmed (and continue to do so on a daily basis if I think I've made a mistake), apart from myself. So this share is directed towards myself.
It is important to make amends because that way I don't have to carry feelings of guilt around with me. I can live in the moment and feel light and free. I don't have to fear running into anyone. I take responsibility for my part in problematic situations. I'm completely honest with myself and am open to let the divine power run through me and guide me in my life.
I've done emotional harm to myself. It started of as coping mechanisms to cope with a stressful childhood. I was dependent than, it was the only way I saw to survive. I was small than and didn't have an alternative. I tried my best to be kind with myself, but I was harsh with myself a lot.
How have I harmed myself emotionally? And how do I still harm myself?
Situations I remember:
-The time when my mother was angry with me for loosing something that belonged to someone else, I told myself I was a "stomme trut" (stupid bitch). I punished myself by not being allowed to feel joyful anymore.
-The time my mother was angry with me for growing herbs on my carpet in my bedroom secretly. She shouted at me that I was a "stomme onnozele trut" (stupid moron bitch) and I decided to believe her.
-The time my mother was angry with me for playing hairdresser with my sister. The time my mother was angry with me for removing the crusts my little sister had because of the chicken pocks. The time my mother was angry with me for soiling her new suitcase. The time my mother was angry with me for pushing down a cup of milk (she called me clumsy). The time my mother was angry with me for being a bit intimate with my first boyfriend (she called me a slut). All the times she disagreed with my clothing choices and she called me a bore because of the way I wanted to dress. I decided to believe I was what she called me: stupid, clumsy/blunt, a bore, uninteresting, a bitch, a slut (stom, onhandig/lomp, sloom, een stomme trut, een slet).
-The times my father didn't pay much attention to what I had to say or wanted to do. The times my father didn't help me and I had to do everything alone, when I drew the conclusion that I was chicken. I decided to believe that I was boring, uninteresting, unworthy of male attention and a coward (saai, oninteressant, niet de moeite waard voor mannen en laf).
-The times my classmates teased me. The times my friends or other people found my sister more interesting than me. The times my peers rejected or ignored me. The times I felt so uncomfortable with them and didn't know what to say. The times my sister called me names: boring, stupid, strange, inferior. I told myself I was boring, strange, inferior, abnormal and would always lose the comparison with my sister or other easy, chatty, sexy, sporty and extravert girls (saai, raar, minderwaardig, abnormaal en dat iedereen mij altijd minder leuk zou vinden dan vlotte, praatgrage, sexy, sportieve en extraverte meisjes).
-I've harmed myself by putting way too much food in my stomach in one time, until it hurt. Many, many times.
-I've told myself I was fat and ugly.
-When boyfriends broke up or when a guy didn't find me interesting, I repeated the above judgments over and over to myself.
-When I make a mistake or think I've made one, I keep telling myself I'm a stupid bitch. Also I decide to tell myself the story that from that moment on, everyone will see me for who I really am (stupid and incapable) and will reject me. I don't comfort myself but I frighten myself even more.
-When someone criticizes me I hit myself inside and tell myself I'm a stupid bitch. I don't trust myself that I had good reasons to do what I did.
For now, this is it.
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Post by primrose on Apr 11, 2011 16:22:52 GMT -5
Ah M, so sad to know how deep the messages are internalised. I relate a lot. The negative thoughts still come for me and what I do is have a gentle voice that I talk to myself with. Self-love and self-acceptance. Phew, it's such important work. I hope your amends really make a difference for you.
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