People Pleasing, Rescuing and Self Blame

[primrose]

I've begun to see a triangle of behaviours that I use in my work relationships, and they're not exactly helpful.

I want to please people and that leads me to be very over-responsible and not take care of myself. I want to rescue people, so I further take up the slack and over-compensate for irresponsible people. And then I add on a big helping of self-blame. I blame myself for not being able to resolve a situation that usually is unresolvable.

So while I'm gamely trying to do a job and do it well, I have all these other things swimming around in my mind.

I must please my client completely and deliver a perfect job. Whatever happens, I must behave perfectly, other people being irresponsible is somehow my fault and I must deal with what they've done and take care of everything. I must not confront people who have been irresponsible, I must just deal with what has happened effortlessly and efficiently.

These are old behaviours from childhood. In childhood I learnt to take responsibility for my father's drinking, for his rages, for my mother's frustrations. I was not allowed to complain, I had to take care of everything and have no needs of my own.

And what are the consequences of being such a perfect over-achiever and rescuer who blames herself? I can see that I am very capable, but I also see that I am overwhelmed and take too much on and give myself a hard time for not being perfect.

I feel so much fear still confronting old behaviours. In my work life these behaviours seem to come into play most intensely when I am under great pressure. If I'm not stressed, they are not really a problem, but when things are very difficult these old coping strategies surface. I become the little girl who had to fix everything for her father. Get him into a cab as he rolled about drunk, listen to her mother rant on for hours about her father's drinking, be perfect at school and never ever say anything honest about how horrendous everything was, how stressful and how painful life was, how overwhelming, relentless and debilitating it was to live for years as a child with people who were untreated addicts.

What's happening to me at the moment is I'm really coming out of denial about how my old behaviour is effecting my work life in the present. I've got a lot more clarity thanks to the last few months. I know it's not simply a question of saying "I'm codependent at work and I need to take care of myself". No. It's much more than that. I have a specific identifiable pattern of behaviours that I rely on.

I didn't see any of that until recently. I need to please others, I need to rescue others, I need to blame myself. This is my childhood emergency kit. This is what I did as a child to get through any critical situation, and I went through a lot of critical situations when I was little, so these behaviours are deeply ingrained.

It was very frightening as a child to threaten the family structure by being honest and confronting my father's drinking and my mother's enabling. I did try many times to confront even though I was terrified, and my parents took extreme measures to shut me up. And I see how that terror is replicated at work now for me. Confronting crazy behaviour, like my work being sabotaged, sub-contractors giving up on a job part way through, clients not paying me for months, dealing with all of that is very very hard. It's not usually this difficult for such an extended period of time. I'm sure it would test anyone.

When I'm tested to this degree it's inevitable I think that old behaviours will come back and my boundaries will suffer. And I'm really seeing very clearly this time what that means emotionally. Now that I'm clearer about what I'm actually doing in a crisis situation, I can take more useful steps to change it.

[moonlight]

Congrats on these clear insights Prim! Awareness is the first step.. I hope you can live more lightly soon though!! Such a burden. Such a tremendous negative influence parents can have when they don't take responsibility for their problems. Huge. All the best!!

[g]

My h has his own business and has to do exactly the same things you have to Prim.

Work that is nowhere as delicate or as artistic as yours is but having to deal with demanding clients and deadlines and counting on suppliers and fixing other people's faulty work is stuff I hear about every day. Well, I used to hear about every day. I found it so stressful I insisted he deal with all that hassle on his own. Lovely of me, eh?

I'm really going to make an effort to be more understanding of how much stress he is under from now on and put myself in his shoes.

I deal with people pleasing on a much much smaller scale but when I have to do a job for someone I'm such a perfectionist that it can exhaust me and leave me depleted afterwards. I am also always reluctant to ask for the amount of money I feel the job is really worth. My solution? To AVOID extra work. Not good either way and something I have to work on too. So difficult to find a healthy balance and not at all surprised that stress related illnesses can and do kill people eventually.



Primrose, how can you put a price on something you pour your heart into anyway?

It's not just about time and effort. You give a piece of yourself away with every piece you restore or create. And then you have to wait for the final verdict...then maybe you'll get paid. feel for you. So stressful. Big hug to you girl.

G

[primrose]

Thanks M, awareness is the first step. I've been narrowing it down for a while now and working out what I do at work. I think I've been so capable because of my childhood script that it's taken me a long time to really identify these patterns. I was a child who got straight As despite my family chaos, so in a way that capable part of me has just worked at work, so it has been hard to see my own self-sabotaging behaviours. And I realise when my husband was ill and I was being bullied at work, I saw a lot then and understood a lot then, but I hadn't really grasped how I was re-living my childhood and what I could do to stop that. I felt powerless to change my behaviour and I couldn't see what needed to be changed.

I see now that there's a lot I can do to change things for myself. Please myself before others. Let people deal with the consequences of their irresponsibility themselves. Live in reality about my own need to do too much and not be in denial about others being irresponsible. Accept that I can't make another person be reasonable even if I am. Stop blaming myself for not being able to fix the un-fixable. Appraise my own behaviour lovingly and forgive myself for not being perfect. And really let myself off the hook if I don't do any of those things very well. I'm changing patterns, it's going to take a while.

G, I can understand how stressful it must have been to listen to your husband talk about his problems at work. I've started to half-listen to some people and not feel guilty about it. It helps!! I'm so used to giving people a lot of attention when I listen, it's nice to not do it fully. It means they get heard and I'm not drained.

Heart work costs money It's extra if I pour my heart into something. My creativity is unique so I'm learning to value that uniqueness and profit from it. I think to do something you love AND get paid for it is a real test of self-esteem and self-worth. It's one of the reasons why it's been such a struggle for me to charge appropriately.

[primrose]

Feeling all of this so intensely today. It is physically painful to feel how low my self esteem is and how much fear I am in. I want to act out on it, although I am not sure what acting out would be actually! Nothing would change this feeling for very long. People in recovery say "well done" when I tell them what I'm going through, but I don't get much identification really. I am struggling to find people who have BTDT when it comes to this stuff. Am sure the hormones are playing their part in me feeling all of this so strongly too.

Well, these days my feelings can be this powerful and I can still function well, so that's a gift. And I know I'll get through it and it will be okay.

I seem to struggle especially with doing a few different things in a day. I really can't cope with that. Today I'm going into town to work on some pieces, two different clients are dropping in at some point (don't know when yet) and then I'm picking up work this evening and finishing off a job at home tonight. All of that sends me into a spin. I feel guilty because my husband has been doing so much around the house and I want to pull my weight too and cook for him tonight and look after him.

My mind whirls around different things and my anxiety sticks to this or that and catastrophizes. It must be the drugs because I feel very fragile and vulnerable.

It is difficult to stay in adult when the fragile child is so strong in me at the moment. That's okay, I am happy to process my feelings when they come up, I trust that they come up in the right time and when I'm ready, but I guess that holds true when I'm not taking lots of drugs and have the added stress of whether that process is working.

And my mother is coming tomorrow to visit. Will just have to take her to work and put her in a pinny!

[knowlove]

Prim,
I identify with you on this very strongly today. I cannot seem to cope with doing much at all lately and my boundaries are all over the place. I am learning so much about myself and my deep insecurities. Have you ever felt like you had to "buy" people or their friendship, that you were not good enough? I have noticed I insist on buying for people all the time, and I throw myself at them to help in any way. I know there is something to it all.

[g]

I was on overwhelm yesterday.

I really have to pace my day properly, especially when I teach in the afternoons, or I get totally exhausted. There is only so much I can cope with during a busy day and one extra request can really throw me. Had an argument with my daughter, then with my h. Then with my other daughter all because I had asked them NOT to make ANY demands on me yesterday.

I had made lunch for them, done ironing, tidied, cleaned and was so pissed off when they all tried to pressure me into getting into the car to pick one of them up. One 'demanding' text message and I lashed out at them all after that. How dare anyone rattle my cage???

I'm really horrible sometimes. It's not about people pleasing at all. People asking me to do something for them is not unreasonable of them.

How are they to know I'm under pressure, or in a mad rush or just in a foul mood? It's about me being emotionally unstable and not being able to act rationally when I'm under pressure...and not about others expecting too much of me

That kind of pressure makes me want to act out too. As you said Primrose, I'm not sure what that acting out would entail either.

I am aware tho that when I'm very on edge and I feel the adrenaline pumping. I can be on a short fuse and either lose my temper or say things I'd rather not.

Yesterday I talked more than I would have liked at dance class and felt very silly. I was pushed into advanced class and kept protesting as the moves were complicated and explained to me in no more than a few minutes. I already had a splitting headache and the turns made my head spin. I was a mumblig idiot with every new partner and kept apologising when I couldn't get the steps. The guys were all being supportive and telling me I was doing fine but I was bright red. Talk about being in child!

When it was my turn to dance with the teacher he said I was doing the steps properly and that my only problem was fear. In a nutshell. My whole life has been driven by fear of failure!

I felt embarrassed afterwards and promised myself I'd be more in control next time. But I feel like running and going back to the safety of the beginners class only. Talk about pushing boundaries and stretching myself. I was terrified and in a total panic.

I felt vulnerable and stupid and kept telling the teacher and his assistant i wanted to go but they kept pulling me back into the group. It wasn't THAT bad but I hate doing things when I feel unprepared or that I'm being forced into doing something which is not at my own pace.

I hate the feeling of being pushed. I hate making a fool of myself or when people make me feel like a fool or 'less than' by making me deal with a situation that I'm not ready to be in. A very recurrent theme in my life so nothing new about it at all.

G

G

[primrose]

KL and G, I missed your replies here, am sorry! KL, I don't think I've felt that I must buy people with money or things, but for sure I've felt I must buy them with charm. I guess that's the narcissist relying on dazzling people to cover up the cracks, and yet it leaves me feeling so empty charming people, as I feel that that then is the only reason the relationship works. I feel that I've fooled them and I despise myself for that.

Re-reading my Nov 23rd post, I am there again EXACTLY today. This just keeps coming up and up. Pressure at work makes me so afraid, and it also makes me feel very separate from other people. I feel angry with recovery AGAIN that it doesn't offer me enough of what I need. I got frustrated at the meeting today listening to people who aren't far enough along to offer any hope. People are where they are, I am where I am, but I'd love to hear from people who've put the work in and have what I'd love to have.

I know what this feeling is, it's the child frustrated that her mother isn't able to help, and doesn't understand and isn't capable of meeting her needs. And when that surfaces I feel the frustration of going to meetings and hearing stuff that doesn't help. I found my mother lacking when I needed her most and I really project that onto recovery at times.

I wonder how long it will take me to work through all of this? It's easy to see how not being satisfied destroys relationships. My friend who is getting divorced is usually disappointed in people and I can see how it destroys her happiness and the confidence of people around her. I'll do the same projecting this sense of frustration with my mother onto my relationships with women.

Today after the meeting a woman who was very needy came up to me and asked for my number, she spoke to me and it was my usual old pattern of the power exchange. I felt that avoidant power thing instantly, the love addict gives up her power and looks at me with adoring eyes, and then talks at me for England. I broke it off because I felt it happen and politely left. I am not interested in being put on a pedestal and then sucked dry as an ear. I hate it. The power a love addict gives an avoidant doesn't interest me at all. It's BORING!!!!! And it's also frustrating, because what I'd like is to be an equal and to have a mutual exchange, but the places I go to find help with my business are places chock full of people with these patterns. My patterns. And I need to heal my avoidance otherwise nothing will change, but when I try and heal it I hit this place of frustration. Pfff.

I can do the thing of having non demanding friends I see rarely and have a nice time with, that's easy and I spent years doing that, but to heal my real issues with my mother I have to get in the ring a bit. I have to get into relationship with women and learn to have the boundaries with them without cutting back on seeing them. One woman today shared about how she cuts people out if they don't treat her properly. I've done that so many times in my life, I'm so good at it, but what I heard in that woman's voice today was fear of intimacy. Wouldn't it be better to know that people can't treat you badly? That they just feel on an energetic level that it isn't going to work and that's an end to it?

My husband treats me really well and I treat him really well, that's a given. There's mutual respect there and I wouldn't dream of screaming at him or swearing at him or being vile to him. That wasn't always true. In the past we were very cruel to each other. I didn't think to myself "he isn't the man for me" and leave. I stayed and worked through things with him.

My sense with my issues with women is that I must do the same. When I get to that feeling of total frustration I just want to leave. It's too painful to stay and face the feelings from my childhood and set appropriate boundaries as well. I want to lash out and escape. But who can I do that with? My husband is very precious to me, he means so much to me and he is a loyal person who is sensitive, it was worth working through things with him. But with women? When I'm not in a relationship with a woman and I'm only dealing with friendship, how do I do this? With my therapist? Maybe I need to go back to Primal and work there. What I'd love is to hear from someone in recovery who's gone through this and knows how to heal it. One thing I learnt in AlAnon was the power of detachment, and that was wonderful, I can do that, but at some point I have to re-engage if I want intimacy. My real issues are with my mother because they are so early and powerful. My relationship with my husband has been a breeze compared to learning how not to project my pain onto women. I truly feel so sorry for my brothers, for them to be faced with these feelings in their love relationships must be horrendous.

[moonlight]

Hey Prim

A group therapy with women sounds appropriate. It did me a lot of good.

Love, Moonlight

[primrose]

Hi M, yes it did me a lot of good too. My first time around in recovery I was in groups just with women. I am wanting to set up a woman only slaa group where I can talk about the ivf so that will be helpful I think. But for this early lack of bonding stuff I'm thinking I should go back to Primal. I need to hold onto a woman like a baby and scream at her and howl with fury and grief. It will be a problem financially to go back as I already see a therapist weekly, but that kind of bodywork moves me forward very deeply.

[primrose]

It's good to read this today because I can see how I'm a bit further on with this stuff, yay!

I'm still triggered into people pleasing but I'm not so into the self blame and also I'm not willing to take up the slack for people who aren't responsible. AND I'm a lot less willing to stay in a triangle. I opted out of one yesterday and that felt really good.

I don't have to be loyal the way I was as a child. I'm in business. I'm not in business to make friends. I'm in business to do business.

I don't have to use every manipulative trick in the book I have to cover my end of things and play one person off the other. I can just do my job and expect others to do theirs. If I'm working with irresponsible people, I can cut loose.

It's good for me to see that I am moving forward with this stuff. It can seem like I'm just drowning in old patterns because there's so much of it, but actually, that isn't the case. That feels good.