|
|
Post by moonlight on Nov 15, 2010 5:23:05 GMT -5
Hi, underneath I'm going to post a discussion I had with Prim on dealing with my feelings of rejection. I find it very helpful and want myself and others to be able to find it back when I/they need it.
Love, ML
|
|
|
|
Post by moonlight on Nov 15, 2010 5:24:26 GMT -5
Hey Just called up my bf because I was scared that I'd been very rigid this afternoon when talking about the baby-thing. He agreed that I was quite fierce. Basically, he said, what I'd said was that as soon as any man has a baby with me, they'll never get rid of me again.... .... That is what I said actually.... (be it in somewhat different words). I'm so angry with myself and so scared again. This behavior stems out of fear of abandonment. I want to make sure I won't be alone with children. Whereas that's not under my control. And the more I try to control it, the more I'm at risk to lose it. What I say basically is: you have to stay with me or I'll be very very angry and you'll be a very bad person that harms me and children. So I use the blame-game. No wonder I scare guys away. I think it's not too late with him, but I need to be aware. I told him I was scared this might make him go away and he said: well you can't control it. Who knows, maybe I like a little friction once in a while and if everything would be all good and easy, I'd be bored! Ergo: I can't control it. It breaks my heart to hear him say that the future is not known yet and to hear him talk in an "anything might happen" way. I'm so sad, I feel like crying. I've been abandoned so many times, because of this. It's like a broken record. Anyway. Prim: good for you that you're working on methods that could make your life easier. |
|
|
|
Post by moonlight on Nov 15, 2010 5:24:51 GMT -5
big hug M, sounds v painful. LAs in slaa sometimes bottom line acting out on abandonment in relationships, by that I mean not going into their abandonment with a partner in any argument or discussion. Pia Mellody suggests doing it with friends, getting it all out in therapy and de-toxing the feeling so it can be easier with your partner. I have a good friend who is currently working through her abandonment in her relationship, she is constantly having to step back from wanting to demand her partner is present for her. It is hard for her, but she is doing it. I think threatening abandonment or demanding someone NEVER abandons you is pretty standard for us lot! Don't worry dear girl, it's not an inevitable pattern, it can be different, and I'm sure it will be for you. |
|
|
|
Post by moonlight on Nov 15, 2010 5:25:15 GMT -5
Oh, thanks so much Prim, I really really hope so! With the bottomlining do you mean that they a. don't discuss the topic directly and b. somehow avoid to put pressure? I'd love to do that, but I don't really know how to do it. Or I need to stay very aware all the time. I hope I can do it. |
|
|
|
Post by moonlight on Nov 15, 2010 5:26:03 GMT -5
Hey M, if you want to, you could work out what your triggers are. If you know that children and being alone with them is a big trigger, then work out what you're willing to talk about and feel safe talking about, and then stop yourself when you feel yourself going into the old abandonment script. It is hard I know! I had to change A LOT with my husband when I began to change my arguing with him. It was like I had an old groove of how arguments went, and I didn't know how to be any different, the feelings were so strong and overwhelmed me. I got mad, he got defensive, the same old same old argument again and again. But we did change the way we fought, and now I recon we argue pretty well and fight fairly. Not that we're perfect, no way, but arguments aren't stuck in old patterns as much these days. I think it's a question of beginning to contain the emotion from childhood about abandonment. For me some feelings are SO overwhelming that I don't have much adult around when they come up. I'm vulnerable in those feelings, so bottom lines are like boundaries that I don't have on my own. Bottom lines hold me because they are an adult voice when I don't have a strong adult. My most important bottom line is "no sexualising or parentalising of work relationships" and I still need that one because I slip into turning my clients into parental figures SO fast, the sexualising isn't so much of an issue these days, although it's still there for me. I have certain triggers about clients that I have to be aware of. Taking their advice too much, asking their advice, inappropriate socialising, too much eye contact, being too present emotionally with them, going into girl. All sorts of stuff, that probably wouldn't be an issue for people who didn't have the kind of relationship I had with my father. It's tough to change behaviours that are so entrenched and powerful, and I don't always get it right, but I know if I do take care of myself and don't act out on parentalising people, I have autonomy, self-respect, dignity. I feel good. If I act out, I feel small, weakened, angry and frustrated and unable to stand up for myself. I think this is the work M. To detoxify the abandonment and other painful feelings and learn how to live harmoniously with people. It's not the fantasy of finding the "right" person who'll never trigger the old pain, but the reality of learning about love with someone who's like us - imperfectly perfect. Best luck with it, abandonment is such a tough one to deal with in a relationship, but it's a well trodden path and there is help to work through it, you're not on your own with it. x |
|
|
|
Post by moonlight on Nov 15, 2010 5:26:28 GMT -5
Triggers: If I take an initiative towards physical contact and he refuses. This happened a few times this weekend (although we also did have a lot of physical contact). If he indicates that the future is not certain between us. If I think or talk about my ex boyfriend and his children. I we talk about the future and children together. The last two I can avoid, the first two I can't. It breaks my heart when I kiss him and he's the one who stops it. I start to look for confirmation through more physical contact and that might be more than he feels like at that time. I start to feel really dependent. How to deal with this? My natural action would be to withdraw, either literally or metaphorically. But: I want him to be able to set boundaries when he feels like it without me punishing him or making a drama. I know this might happen also when the rs comes a bit further and everything's not so new and special anymore. When it goes to normal. Than I might feel very rejected because he doesn't give me all this attention anymore. I'll feel personally rejected. In conclusion: I'm very sensitive towards rejection and always find proof of that. If I do, I go cold and angry and distant or even more clingy. It's an impossible scenario that always ends up with real rejection because the guy feels completely smothered. Please god: help me to contain my feelings of rejection and not act on them. Instead, seek help to progress them (here, friends, therapy) so that the rs can stay healthy and happy. |
|
|
|
Post by moonlight on Nov 15, 2010 5:27:25 GMT -5
Hey M, the advice I've been given about being sensitive to rejection is this: A love addict will feel rejected almost constantly especially when the honeymoon period is over. This is normal because rejection is always present for the love addict. This rejection, WHETHER IT IS REAL OR NOT is the responsibility of the love addict. The love addict needs to learn to contain this rejection. The love addict can do this in a couple of ways. 1. By backing off immediately. Not in an aggressive way, but none the less backing off. This will give the love addict a little emotional distance. Pleading for attachment at this time whether through sex or attention will set off the love addict/avoidant pattern. 2. When the love addict has backed off, the LA needs to reparent himself/herself. This rejection is from childhood (even if it isn't and the partner has actually rejected the love addict this holds true) Reparenting this kind of abandonment means getting in touch with the inner child and assuring him/her that the abandonment might feel horrific, but you (the adult) will not abandon him/her, you will be there for him/her. 3. Reconnect gently when the reparenting is done. This reparenting is best done privately, it can be refered to etc, but it's good to begin to see this as important work for the self and not necessarily something to be discussed in detail with the partner. It isn't really to do with the partner. To reparent the child rather than seek nurture from the partner is really hard. But it's the only way to change the cycle of abandonment. In this level of abandonment there is terrible trauma. It feels totally overwhelming in the early stages for the love addict to stop the cycle of seeking reassurance from the partner and switch to reparenting himself/herself, but it gets easier. It also gets easier for the partner to show genuine affection when the love addict learns to stop being so needy and reparent himself/herself. The partner (especially is he/she is an avoidant) feels totally overwhelmed by the needs for reassurance that the love addict demands. This level of overwhelm makes the avoidant feel repulsion and contempt for the love addict. That's why when this pattern begins, the love addict (or the avoidant) has to STOP IT. The pattern has to be broken and the best way to do that is to gently detach and reparent. From my own experience M, I often had to sit next to my husband with the tears rolling down my face in so much pain and NOT touch him, even though he was so kind and would have been happy to hug me. That sounds crazy to anyone who isn't a love addict, but it makes sense when you know that childhood abandonment can never be made the responsibility of another person. It is ours to process, and ours alone. We need to take responsibility for that feeling and not bring it to our partners. Pia Mellody writes about how love addicts can have a wonderful day with a partner but one little thing they do will mean the love addict feels utterly rejected. That's my experience. My abandonment was that intense. Love was never ever enough. it is a gift actually, to really begin to reparent when this kind of thing happens in a relationship because it shifts things quickly and the relationship becomes much happier. But, it is incredibly painful. I felt furious to have to reparent myself, it brought up a great deal of anger from my childhood about not having been parented. People in slaa speak about feeling worse than when they were single in recovery. It IS worse for a while, because deeper feelings come to the surface. These patterns are very powerful, but there is a road map. There is a way to do it, it's been done by many people and done well, so it's not impossible. it's different from healing through withdrawal, it's harder to heal with another person, but it's wonderful work too, because it means there's a real loss of the needy person who makes inappropriate demands, all of that goes, and relationships work really well after healing the patterns. |
|
|
|
Post by moonlight on Nov 29, 2010 14:33:52 GMT -5
Hi
An update. I had a hard weekend with my boyfriend.
On Friday and Saturday he'd sent me some lovely text messages (one of them: "I am in love"). I felt bigger and motherly, so I felt I wanted to pick a fight. Saturday night I met him. I did my best to be nice towards him yet express my need for a little playful fight. He asked me what was the matter with me; I told him I felt a bit annoyed but nothing to do with him.
Next day we went to Brussels for a day. In the daytime I was worrying that I wasn't saying enough. I was afraid he'd find me boring. In the car ride back, I told him how much trouble I'd gone through to find someone like him. He told me afterwards he found that very intimidating, like I put him on a pedestal. He replied by saying it was all so quick and we didn't really know each other yet. I felt my heart break. I started to cry but managed not to show him (it was quite dark). In the house, I managed to get to the bath room without him seeing me crying. I pretended I was suddenly very tired and took a bath. Inside I was boiling with anger and panic that he was going to leave me. I really felt like starting a scene but didn't. Instead I kept distance. I didn't feel like making love anymore (although we'd made plans) and fell asleep very early.
This morning he was acting distant towards me. I talked to him about last night a bit. I told him that what he'd said in the car was hard for me to hear but that I'd wanted to solve it by myself. He said that it felt like I was very angry with him. He'd sensed that right. But I told him, it wasn't with you really, it was an old feeling.
I don't know if I'll be able to manage a relationship. I'm very afraid that my bf will break up at some point because of these hard interactions. I feel stuck with them.
Oh, and when I thought it really couldn't get any worse, I was sitting in the train at a station at 9 this morning, looked through the window and saw my EX-BOYFRIEND walking by. Some serendipity...
|
|
|
|
Post by moonlight on Nov 29, 2010 14:37:37 GMT -5
In retrospect, looking at the former posts:
-trigger: I felt like he didn't like me (because I hadn't said much)
-behavior: I acted quite alright (backed off, reparented myself, tried to reconnect gently). But the problem was in the first part. I backed off so suddenly and totally that he felt rejected himself, I think. I was so very angry and desperate I didn't see any other way. This needs to be worked on somehow.
|
|
|
|
Post by kelleyboy on Nov 29, 2010 15:13:16 GMT -5
Moonlight,
I truly empathize with all the feelings, fears, anxiety etc, you just described in your interaction with your boyfriend. It feels like many nights I have spent with people I wanted to be close to. I experience these things in the same exact way.
I have been wondering lately if I was unique...again. I am glad to hear I clearly am not. Bless you M, you aren't alone. Either am I.
KB
|
|
|
|
Post by moonlight on Nov 29, 2010 16:34:27 GMT -5
Thank you very much Kelleyboy.
|
|
|
|
Post by g on Nov 30, 2010 4:29:23 GMT -5
Welcome back KB  Moonlight, altho I've been married a long time, now that I'm in recovery I'm very aware of all the hot and cold stuff in my r/s. If I get rejected my neediness is triggered and I'm then more determined to get closer to my h. Sometimes, when we're getting on well, I look for 'trouble' and will pick a fight just to liven up the situation. Of course I'm not in limerence and the feelings are far less intense than when in active addiction but the patterns are still there. I 'love ' my h (more than I've ever loved any other man) but I'm looking at my r/s through new eyes and very much aware that I am and always have been a LRA. It can be hard work every single day and easier just to go cold or avoid rather than work on true intimacy. I think it's all part of the mating game but balance is key. What I've written probably won't help you with what you are dealing with at such an early stage in your r/s but I related to your post and just wanted to post about my feelings. Big hug G |
|
|
|
Post by knowlove on Nov 30, 2010 9:41:59 GMT -5
I am the same way too Moonlight with feeling rejected! The minute I feel it, I feel anger but then fear, fear of being left. With my H, if he does something to make me feel rejected I also do what Greta does and feel a need to be close. I have described it as a "game" almost, like I am playing a part because that is how it feels. Like I go into this mode right away, like a switch has been flipped. Moonlight, maybe more communication about how you are feeling would lessen bf's worry, feeling, or pulling away? It is so hard for us not to act on our impulses and feelings whether they are out of left field or not. What we need to learn I guess. You are working on it though and are more aware so that in itself is good! Welcome back Kelleyboy! No, unfortunately Kelley (or fortunately) we are all very much alike!!!  |
|
|
|
Post by moonlight on Dec 7, 2010 15:34:28 GMT -5
Today my bf had a closing day of the training he's done the last year. All the students gave a presentation on who they really are and what their core values and desires are. And what their vision on their life purpose is. I felt very touched by all the stories (many people cried on stage) as I sat there with his father and stepmother in the audience.
In his speech he also expressed gratitude for his new love F (=ML). Afterwards when he came up to me, I felt so emotional, I started to cry a bit. I held it in a bit and asked him for a hug (and told him I felt touched by his and others' testimonials). After a few minutes, trying to find my shoes, I really had to cry. I felt so sad and hungry-hearted and rejected, all old old feelings, not anything to do with the reality of the situation. But than he hugged me real good for a few minutes and I felt so happy with that. I noticed how his friends from the training all knew me and had heard good things about me from him. He seemed proud of me.
I'm feeling very emotional now while I write this and also scared that I'll loose him. But it's ok.
|
|
