Post by primrose on Nov 17, 2010 7:01:05 GMT -5
I am in a lot of pain today. Thinking about and feeling my feelings of seperateness.
I feel very strongly today that I would like my mother's help, and I know that in trying to get it, I would be hurt and would be in more pain. This week I have my first ivf scan, my mother is coming to see me next week. It is a time that I would like a mother's love, but for me, I know it isn't that safe. I get on with my mother if I keep it easy. I am very upset about that today.
Upset that I can't have love easily, that support is something confusing and painful for me in my relationship with my mother.
I feel the loss of it in my business. My mother has been in business since I was 12. I grew up hearing her talk about business. Wouldn't it be natural for me to dicscuss my business with her? It would seem so, but in fact it isn't natural at all. Talking to her about money and work is fraught and difficult.
This morning I got up, had my injection, got on the computer and answered a lot of business emails, did some work, organised a bank appointment, did some DA step work, wrote on here about work and my mother, sent off information about a product I'm making. I've done plenty today already, and later I'm going to my studio to do a few things and am going to a BDA meeting later. And what do I feel? I feel that I am a failure and I feel lost and that nothing I will ever do will be good enough. For years I felt horrendous in the morning, now even when I feel rough it is not like that. That's purely because of the work I've done on myself. I did the work and now I have energy and the ability to take on work, but inside it hasn't changed the failure feeling yet.
It doesn't matter that I am productive and capable and do a good job. I feel like a failure and I feel cut off even when I am not those things.
And this is about my mother. This is the lack of support and I guess the competitiveness. I've felt so alone recently in lots of ways and I've known this is coming up from childhood, oh the pain! The pain of it. Knowing I can get nothing from the woman, just nothing. The sadness is terrible.
I think I was mesmerised as a child into feeling incapable and stuck and out of my depth. And really, I was so blessed genetically as a child. I was healthy, strong, intelligent. I had everything I needed to just get on with life and succeed.
Perhaps this is that true part of me forcing the roof off. I can physically feel the tightness around my heart of being held back. The sadness is very powerful today.
And not having that support I needed has meant I have so little self respect for myself. Despite all my efforts, I don't respect what I've achieved. I've felt a fool and a weak person because I haven't had strong ENOUGH boundaries, I haven't been able to take care of myself ENOUGH. All of these harsh messages that I know when it comes to the work I've done in slaa have more or less disappeared, but here it is at a deeper level around work. Around my sense of self-respect as an adult who can pay her way in the world and be part of society. I feel so lacking in that, so feeble.
But if I couldn't ask for help because it wasn't safe, how could I learn to take care of myself? How could I learn to stand up for myself? My mother for whatever reason, seems to have wanted me to be small in this area of my life. Small. Ineffective. Meek. And I am those things now and am very upset about all of it.
But I am not completely those things. I see that. I just feel an explosion of pain today about it all. Why would a mother hold a child back? Keep her, MAKE her feeble in this way?
The loss is very sad, but probably something better will come out of seeing things in a more honest way. I can understand my grandmother's jealousy of my mother, and I can understand my mother's jealousy of me as a pretty teenager, those things are horrible, but I can understand them, but I don't yet understand why my mother wanted to confuse me about money and make it difficult for me to ask for what I needed. Maybe she didn't feel she had a lot to give, but then she always gave lots to my brothers and not so much to me and my sister. Lots going on there.
I hope I'll get through this cycle of feeling about seperateness soon. It is really a nasty thing to re-experience.
I feel very strongly today that I would like my mother's help, and I know that in trying to get it, I would be hurt and would be in more pain. This week I have my first ivf scan, my mother is coming to see me next week. It is a time that I would like a mother's love, but for me, I know it isn't that safe. I get on with my mother if I keep it easy. I am very upset about that today.
Upset that I can't have love easily, that support is something confusing and painful for me in my relationship with my mother.
I feel the loss of it in my business. My mother has been in business since I was 12. I grew up hearing her talk about business. Wouldn't it be natural for me to dicscuss my business with her? It would seem so, but in fact it isn't natural at all. Talking to her about money and work is fraught and difficult.
This morning I got up, had my injection, got on the computer and answered a lot of business emails, did some work, organised a bank appointment, did some DA step work, wrote on here about work and my mother, sent off information about a product I'm making. I've done plenty today already, and later I'm going to my studio to do a few things and am going to a BDA meeting later. And what do I feel? I feel that I am a failure and I feel lost and that nothing I will ever do will be good enough. For years I felt horrendous in the morning, now even when I feel rough it is not like that. That's purely because of the work I've done on myself. I did the work and now I have energy and the ability to take on work, but inside it hasn't changed the failure feeling yet.
It doesn't matter that I am productive and capable and do a good job. I feel like a failure and I feel cut off even when I am not those things.
And this is about my mother. This is the lack of support and I guess the competitiveness. I've felt so alone recently in lots of ways and I've known this is coming up from childhood, oh the pain! The pain of it. Knowing I can get nothing from the woman, just nothing. The sadness is terrible.
I think I was mesmerised as a child into feeling incapable and stuck and out of my depth. And really, I was so blessed genetically as a child. I was healthy, strong, intelligent. I had everything I needed to just get on with life and succeed.
Perhaps this is that true part of me forcing the roof off. I can physically feel the tightness around my heart of being held back. The sadness is very powerful today.
And not having that support I needed has meant I have so little self respect for myself. Despite all my efforts, I don't respect what I've achieved. I've felt a fool and a weak person because I haven't had strong ENOUGH boundaries, I haven't been able to take care of myself ENOUGH. All of these harsh messages that I know when it comes to the work I've done in slaa have more or less disappeared, but here it is at a deeper level around work. Around my sense of self-respect as an adult who can pay her way in the world and be part of society. I feel so lacking in that, so feeble.
But if I couldn't ask for help because it wasn't safe, how could I learn to take care of myself? How could I learn to stand up for myself? My mother for whatever reason, seems to have wanted me to be small in this area of my life. Small. Ineffective. Meek. And I am those things now and am very upset about all of it.
But I am not completely those things. I see that. I just feel an explosion of pain today about it all. Why would a mother hold a child back? Keep her, MAKE her feeble in this way?
The loss is very sad, but probably something better will come out of seeing things in a more honest way. I can understand my grandmother's jealousy of my mother, and I can understand my mother's jealousy of me as a pretty teenager, those things are horrible, but I can understand them, but I don't yet understand why my mother wanted to confuse me about money and make it difficult for me to ask for what I needed. Maybe she didn't feel she had a lot to give, but then she always gave lots to my brothers and not so much to me and my sister. Lots going on there.
I hope I'll get through this cycle of feeling about seperateness soon. It is really a nasty thing to re-experience.
