Post by primrose on Jan 1, 2011 16:33:13 GMT -5
I wonder about the sadness I feel at the moment. It is a sort of insane sadness. It is so intense that it feels like I have a constant headache, but it is actually emotional pain.
I wonder where exactly this grief is from because I am sure this is not simply the ivf. Is it bringing up the death of my friend in may last year? My husband's cancer? My sadness about having a POA? Or is it even earlier and this has opened up my sadness about my mother not loving me?
It doesn't feel like the loss of withdrawal. Withdrawal for me was about longing and abandonment and pain. This is grief and it is very deep, but it is despair that is coming up. An acceptance of the loss of hope. That I must let go of hope. Perhaps that sounds crazy, but it doesn't feel wrong at all. It feels right and my sense is to just go with this and trust that I will be okay.
And I noticed something interesting today. I saw my god-daughter and her brother and sister. We always have a good time, but today was absolutely hilarious. I was so funny! It was brilliant to joke with them. With all of the misery I've been in I really had fun with the children and I can see that my sense of humour is just sillier and lighter and faster than it's ever been. There's always a positive from going through sadness and just allowing it, and I really felt that today. So I'll carry on opening to it and just letting it be. I'd hoped that by now I'd be better, but if this is going to take longer, so be it. Feelings are what they are.
I wonder where exactly this grief is from because I am sure this is not simply the ivf. Is it bringing up the death of my friend in may last year? My husband's cancer? My sadness about having a POA? Or is it even earlier and this has opened up my sadness about my mother not loving me?
It doesn't feel like the loss of withdrawal. Withdrawal for me was about longing and abandonment and pain. This is grief and it is very deep, but it is despair that is coming up. An acceptance of the loss of hope. That I must let go of hope. Perhaps that sounds crazy, but it doesn't feel wrong at all. It feels right and my sense is to just go with this and trust that I will be okay.
And I noticed something interesting today. I saw my god-daughter and her brother and sister. We always have a good time, but today was absolutely hilarious. I was so funny! It was brilliant to joke with them. With all of the misery I've been in I really had fun with the children and I can see that my sense of humour is just sillier and lighter and faster than it's ever been. There's always a positive from going through sadness and just allowing it, and I really felt that today. So I'll carry on opening to it and just letting it be. I'd hoped that by now I'd be better, but if this is going to take longer, so be it. Feelings are what they are.