Post by primrose on Jan 27, 2011 19:33:16 GMT -5
I might not write much on this thread, but will see what happens with it.
I enjoyed the support group tonight. I noticed a few things. I was very touched by how close the couples were. I suppose that if IVF doesn't split people up, then it brings them together. That's my experience with my husband, and I saw that the other couples were very loving and gentle with each other. That was a lovely thing.
It made me wonder if my husband and I had gone to a support group when he had cancer if things would have turned out differently. Groups are very powerful things.
I noticed how different the group was to a meeting or a therapy group. It was uncontained really and I'm not used to that. I love the structure of a HOW meeting. I love the serenity in a room from that kind of meeting, how held and safe that kind of meeting feels to me. Therapy groups are crazy sometimes, but the rules are still all there and people are self-aware. Tonight I was in a room with very unhappy people who weren't really very self-aware at all.
I found that quite difficult to deal with. There was a lot of complaining about treatments not being available, resentment about different clinics, bad treatment. The main thing that people seemed to be struggling with is the inability to control getting pregnant. That was interesting as thanks to recovery, that isn't my main issue with IVF. Feeling powerless isn't a horrible thing for me thanks to my programme. I realise I'm very lucky to have recovery entering into IVF. It's like a huge step one, and because of my addiction, I know how to take step one. I'm grateful for that.
Before the meeting my husband and I went out for dinner and he asked me what the worst thing about IVF was, and I said "other people" and that is the truth for me. The process is very hard and painful, but sadly it has been people who have been the real struggle for me.
The reason for that is my childhood issues with my mother. I couldn't trust her and I was devestated by not being able to trust her. That fear and hatred and despair about her is triggered very deeply by the IVF. That is what I want to talk about when I discuss IVF. My own very early childhood and why I go crazy about women and how much I withdraw from them when I go through the process.
But that wasn't something that I could discuss at the meeting tonight, no way. I doubt anyone would have understood that. the agony about being childless, yes, they all get that and were expressing it and that was helpful. So now I find myself looking for something even MORE specific. Can I have someone please who has gone through ivf and has early abandonment issues with her mother which she's now resolved? Thank you. HA! No wonder I can never ever feel understood by women. The wound I have about my mother never understanding me is very deep indeed.
When I saw my therapist today I raged and wept about feeling that I must be the one who understands, makes allowances for, detaches, is mature, steps back. All of that stuff, and I said I was completely fed up of accepting that I couldn't get my needs met as all I wanted was some support instead of having to learn to protect myself and be the sodding grown up all the time. It was very helpful to let all of that out.
And tonight at that group I had that feeling again of knowing that here were just people who were in pain and really not people who could help me as such, actually, probably people who had done no therapy and were needy and had a lot of unprocessed stuff, and my heart sank a bit because it would just be nice once in a while to feel that I could open my heart and be with people who were able to deal with that.
I guess my mother using me as her ear meant I learnt so early on to hold back, to be emotionally self reliant and to give. I am still searching for the women who can hear me and make it better about my mother not hearing me, but no one can fill that wound. Of course I know that blah blah, but really letting go of it is hard. Harder than letting go of my POA I think. He was just one man I projected a lot of stuff onto and it was about my father so it was later and less primal. This pain about my mother is from the very beginning and I replicate it in so many relationships.
I get people in meetings who tell me they like my recovery, and I think what recovery has given me probably shows in a group like the one tonight. It's nice to have some sense of myself, but if people are attracted to me because of what I can give, that doesn't really help me right now! I want to be supported and learn to really support myself, I don't want to be doing any more service of any kind at the moment.
I have a friend who is a recovering love addict and her big thing in relationships is she wants men to give to her. It's never ever enough. She always wants more. Her therapist has told her that she must reparent herself around wanting more. That is all she can do. She can't ask for more, she must reparent herself instead.
I must do this about trying to be understood. I don't think I have a choice really. But it feels so incredibly unfair, all I want is some support, that's all. I just want women to get it right and be loving, listen, not tell me what to do because they want to fix me, not analyse me, not be stupidly insensitive. I just want them to be adult and loving. Is that too much? It doesn't seem so, but I know I am seeking perfection. The perfect mother who can take all my pain away, and that is because I didn't have one and never can. I have to be my own good-enough mother.
And now I also know that the first AF I have after an IVF attempt completely floors me. I hope it doesn't happen again (I hope I get pregnant!) but if it does, I know that it brings everything up and I feel completely broken and furious.
The bigger picture for me is that I am glad I'm processing these feelings about my mother, they are very important feelings for me to release, and if I can work through them, a lot of my avoidance will be healed and a lot of my fear of intimacy with women will be healed. So roll on the awful feelings! I am glad of them though. If I do have a child and I have a daughter, I will have done some of the necessary work already thanks to the IVF, so that is an amazing thing. Hopefully this way i won't have to cope with post natal depression and hopefully I will be able to bond fully with a daughter if I have one. This stuff is what prevented my mother from bonding with me and she just passed it all on.
I enjoyed the support group tonight. I noticed a few things. I was very touched by how close the couples were. I suppose that if IVF doesn't split people up, then it brings them together. That's my experience with my husband, and I saw that the other couples were very loving and gentle with each other. That was a lovely thing.
It made me wonder if my husband and I had gone to a support group when he had cancer if things would have turned out differently. Groups are very powerful things.
I noticed how different the group was to a meeting or a therapy group. It was uncontained really and I'm not used to that. I love the structure of a HOW meeting. I love the serenity in a room from that kind of meeting, how held and safe that kind of meeting feels to me. Therapy groups are crazy sometimes, but the rules are still all there and people are self-aware. Tonight I was in a room with very unhappy people who weren't really very self-aware at all.
I found that quite difficult to deal with. There was a lot of complaining about treatments not being available, resentment about different clinics, bad treatment. The main thing that people seemed to be struggling with is the inability to control getting pregnant. That was interesting as thanks to recovery, that isn't my main issue with IVF. Feeling powerless isn't a horrible thing for me thanks to my programme. I realise I'm very lucky to have recovery entering into IVF. It's like a huge step one, and because of my addiction, I know how to take step one. I'm grateful for that.
Before the meeting my husband and I went out for dinner and he asked me what the worst thing about IVF was, and I said "other people" and that is the truth for me. The process is very hard and painful, but sadly it has been people who have been the real struggle for me.
The reason for that is my childhood issues with my mother. I couldn't trust her and I was devestated by not being able to trust her. That fear and hatred and despair about her is triggered very deeply by the IVF. That is what I want to talk about when I discuss IVF. My own very early childhood and why I go crazy about women and how much I withdraw from them when I go through the process.
But that wasn't something that I could discuss at the meeting tonight, no way. I doubt anyone would have understood that. the agony about being childless, yes, they all get that and were expressing it and that was helpful. So now I find myself looking for something even MORE specific. Can I have someone please who has gone through ivf and has early abandonment issues with her mother which she's now resolved? Thank you. HA! No wonder I can never ever feel understood by women. The wound I have about my mother never understanding me is very deep indeed.
When I saw my therapist today I raged and wept about feeling that I must be the one who understands, makes allowances for, detaches, is mature, steps back. All of that stuff, and I said I was completely fed up of accepting that I couldn't get my needs met as all I wanted was some support instead of having to learn to protect myself and be the sodding grown up all the time. It was very helpful to let all of that out.
And tonight at that group I had that feeling again of knowing that here were just people who were in pain and really not people who could help me as such, actually, probably people who had done no therapy and were needy and had a lot of unprocessed stuff, and my heart sank a bit because it would just be nice once in a while to feel that I could open my heart and be with people who were able to deal with that.
I guess my mother using me as her ear meant I learnt so early on to hold back, to be emotionally self reliant and to give. I am still searching for the women who can hear me and make it better about my mother not hearing me, but no one can fill that wound. Of course I know that blah blah, but really letting go of it is hard. Harder than letting go of my POA I think. He was just one man I projected a lot of stuff onto and it was about my father so it was later and less primal. This pain about my mother is from the very beginning and I replicate it in so many relationships.
I get people in meetings who tell me they like my recovery, and I think what recovery has given me probably shows in a group like the one tonight. It's nice to have some sense of myself, but if people are attracted to me because of what I can give, that doesn't really help me right now! I want to be supported and learn to really support myself, I don't want to be doing any more service of any kind at the moment.
I have a friend who is a recovering love addict and her big thing in relationships is she wants men to give to her. It's never ever enough. She always wants more. Her therapist has told her that she must reparent herself around wanting more. That is all she can do. She can't ask for more, she must reparent herself instead.
I must do this about trying to be understood. I don't think I have a choice really. But it feels so incredibly unfair, all I want is some support, that's all. I just want women to get it right and be loving, listen, not tell me what to do because they want to fix me, not analyse me, not be stupidly insensitive. I just want them to be adult and loving. Is that too much? It doesn't seem so, but I know I am seeking perfection. The perfect mother who can take all my pain away, and that is because I didn't have one and never can. I have to be my own good-enough mother.
And now I also know that the first AF I have after an IVF attempt completely floors me. I hope it doesn't happen again (I hope I get pregnant!) but if it does, I know that it brings everything up and I feel completely broken and furious.
The bigger picture for me is that I am glad I'm processing these feelings about my mother, they are very important feelings for me to release, and if I can work through them, a lot of my avoidance will be healed and a lot of my fear of intimacy with women will be healed. So roll on the awful feelings! I am glad of them though. If I do have a child and I have a daughter, I will have done some of the necessary work already thanks to the IVF, so that is an amazing thing. Hopefully this way i won't have to cope with post natal depression and hopefully I will be able to bond fully with a daughter if I have one. This stuff is what prevented my mother from bonding with me and she just passed it all on.