My step one. Moonlight

[g]

ML, you can post your step one here

[moonlight]

Thanks G. I'll post highlights of my step work here, perhaps someone else can benefit from it. Also, you can get to know me a bit better! All of this is historic. It was written in December 2009 and January 2010.

[moonlight]

"Admitted we were powerless over love and relationships, that our lives had become unmanageable."

What does this mean to me?

A. Powerless
Powerless to me means that I cannot change my thoughts, emotions, habits, addictions, cravings, needs and actions. Examples:

-I've set a goal not to check my email more than twice a day, since I'm hoping for an email of my boyfriend with whom I have problems. But instead, I've already checked it at least twenty times today.

-I've had to erase his mobile number from my phone, or I wouldn't have been able to keep myself from texting or calling him a lot. Whereas he's indicated he needs more space.

-I'm 32 years old and by now I really, really would have wanted a steady relationship for years and children. I don't. I'm powerless over that.

-The last couple of weeks, my boyfriend has been on my mind constantly. On Christmas, when I was staying with my family and it was by itself very cosey, I cried my heart out. I keep obsessing about him. Either I'm worrying will he break up with me, or I'm worrying should I break up with him, or I'm fantasizing about the future and the two of us.

-My whole day is colored by the thoughts of him. The first thing I do when I wake up, is putting on the computer to check my email.

-On New Year's Eve I have a party with friends who have told me they're so glad that I can make it, but I'm dreading it since he won't be there.

-All the dreams that I can recollect are about him.

-When I'm in a relationship, I see myself changing into this clingy, dependent person that I'm not otherwise.

B. We

We to me is everybody that thinks the first step applies to him or her. I think on the world there must be millions of us.

C. Unmanageable
I can manage part of my life, but it's like surviving rather than living. I drag myself to my jobs and back home. I plan lots of treats to help get me through the day (not bad treats by themselves, but I can't do without them, like nice food, dvd's, other presents to myself, sauna visits, massages etc). I cannot find peace in my heart. I do have joy sometimes, but mostly it's overshadowed by the craving or the sorrow. This is not what life is for. I cannot meditate although I know it's good for me. I'm not performing as well on my job as I could. My household is usually a bit of a mess. I do everything "half". Getting by.

[moonlight]

Question 2:

How does your love addiction manifest itself? Write an HONEST detailed account of your relationship history throughout your life (perhaps when you post this, a summary will do). Discuss and reflect (D&R) upon how the disease of love addiction has manifested throughout your life. Make note of times that the disease seems to have progressed or become more intense.

As a child, I felt scared and lonely at times. I was jealous at my younger sister, who seemed to have it all. She was spontaneous and outgoing and I thought she was much prettier than I was. She always had dozens of guys pursuing her. I remember this one time on Valentine's Day, she got several letters of which one very large one, covered with poems and drawings.. I got nothing. I felt inferior to her and later on, to all the pretty girls. Therefore I felt no man in his right mind would fall for me.
I've been in love many times and fantasized about it a lot. It made things easier. My first boyfriend I had on the age of 13. I didn't feel much for him when I was with him, yet when I had to go my heart broke completely. I did things on a sexual level that I'd rather not have, especially since I didn't feel much of a connection. When he broke up with me, I cried so hard that he took it back.. but one month later, it was final. He still came over for the holidays (why I really don't remember) and every night I cried so hard, I'm sure he must have heard it in the other room, but didn't react. By the way, he lived in another city, and my parents allowed us to sleep over. I don't think this was a wise thing to do.
My second BF was somebody that I felt safe with and attracted to at some level, but I wasn't really in love. Didn't really feel a connection. It lasted for two years. It was quite intense from the start, since he lived in another city, so we saw each other a whole weekend each month. I had a horrible time at school, and the times with him were a flight from that. I felt almost normal. But was always afraid he'd find out how unpopular I was at school. At some point, I just couldn't lie to myself anymore and broke up with him.
The third BF came about two years after that. A bit similar: from day 2 I realized that he wasn't really my type; yet I could not let go of him. That's where my LA showed again. We staid together for 3 difficult years (although I also have good memories, it wasn't all bad). After one and a half year he broke up with me; I felt so extremely alone. A friend from OA let me stay in her house that week and it was very tough, yet I felt free. But after a week we talked it over and he asked me to get back with him. Despite my lack of feelings, I did. I told myself it might work in the future. It didn't of course.
Than came L, an Italian man. I met him when I was traveling alone and feeling very happy and independent. But very quickly, this feeling transformed into neediness and loneliness when he wasn't with me (which was most of the time, because he lived abroad). We tried to see each other one week each month. It lasted for 9 months. I called him every day, I could not withhold myself. Although I knew I was suffocating him. This was the first time I was in a relationship with someone I was really in love with. All the days, literally, that I wasn't with him, I felt miserable and fantasized/obsessed about him. I remember this vividly. The great highs of being with him and the great lows of being "alone" (my friends and family didn't seem to matter, nothing seemed to matter apart from being with him). After he broke up, I was so very angry and desperate. This sadness has lasted for at least four years. I've tried sending him emails, but he didn't really respond. So I stopped that after a month or two. But I kept dreaming about him at night. These dreams where I knew he was there somewhere and I was looking all over the place, missing him all the time, not being able to find him. Or seeing him with other women.
I decided to try and become less quickly attached to men by dating several. I think in total I dated 50 men or so. Most of them were just one cup of coffee. I've been single for years. I think this was benificiary and has helped a bit. Also I've had a few relationships, varying from 1 month to 1 year. Each time it got a bit easier when the break-up came. I know now that I'll survive when my relationship ends. On a cognitive level, that is. Emotionally it's still a big fear. The craziest thing I did by the way, which caused me a lot of pain than, but was also a big lesson: I fell in love with somebody who'd made his profession out of teaching people how to flirt. He himself bragged to have had 100s of women.. a very unsuitable partner in many, many ways, yet I fell for him, waited for 3/4 year and then was thrilled to hear him say he considered a relationship with me.. of course it didn't work out.
Right now I'm in a relationship with a great guy since April 2009. But this great guy also has hard characteristics. I've been asking him for what I needed but usually, he didn't respond to that. Than I got angry. This is something that I'm doubting: is this unhealthy behavior? I think so but I'm doubting, because a friend is in relationship therapy and she and her BF are encouraged by their therapist to show their anger more directly instead of talking and rationalizing.
My BF is my POA. We are in this cycle, where I expect more of him, he withdraws and does less, I get angry/hurt and expect even more, etc. I try very hard not to let the hole in my heart interfere with the relationship or hurt him, but it still does at times when I get angry or sad from not getting what I want. By the way, a complicating fact is that he has two lovely children, whom I'm very fond of (and likewise). But I'm proud to say that when they were around (half of the week), I have always focused on their interest, not mine. So focusing on a warm, healthy atmosphere. We have never fought around them, also not passive-agressively. In general, I'm aware of my communication style and try to be as open and congruent with him (and others) as I can. But this hunger I feel, this urge, this claim on him to love me. That's the problem.

I don't feel the problem's gotten worse over the years, but a bit better. I've also done a lot of therapy and done the 12 steps in another program, which must have helped. I've been anxious not to make new 9th step content! Also I've been meditating on and off for 10 years and exploring different ways to meet my higher power.
The disease does intensify temporarily however, every time I get afraid my BF will break up with me.

Thanks for reading.

[moonlight]

a) What is the critical nature of our disease
b) What is the progressive nature of our disease
c) What is the need not to push someone until they are ready

a. In the past, I've had thoughts about suicide when a BF broke up with me. But I've never attempted anything. I can imagine that people would. But the other 12 step program, therapy and medication and my hard work have given me this border: I would never do it.
So right now to me, the critical nature of the disease lies in the life that is wasted. The hours wasted dreaming and fearing. The suffering that it brings. The fact that it keeps me away from a real solution and a connection with god and myself. And also: the fact that I have great trouble maintaining a healthy relationship with a partner. So it lessens the chance I'll have a successful love life and children.

b. If I would give into it completely, it could consume me and possibly get worse. Only, I've built in boundaries that prevent that from happening. I care too much about myself now to let myself get hurt. Also, I have a radar for narcissistic or abusive partners, they don't come close anymore. I think the disease is in a way "stable" now, with all the measurements I've taken; I am now longing to be relieved of it altogether (doing all the footwork I need to, of course).

c. Interesting question, because it's in 3d person. I have a tendency to push people into what I think is the right direction. Because I have good intuition on what people might need. But pushing has an adverse effect. My challenge is to give people freedom to go through whatever pain and processes they have to go through, yet if they wish so, provide them with a mirror of awareness. The willingness to change has to come from inside. And usually only when someone has hit rock bottom. I have a tendency to feel responsibility for someone else's process. So this is a key goal in my life: learning how to help people helping themselves.
But how does this translate to the way I deal with myself?
I do know that even the willingness to change inside, has to be given in a way. For example, I was in the tram today, and I felt a strong urge to start fantasizing about getting back in harmony with my BF. I wanted to fantasize about the color carpet we should take.... (which is really far off, considering I don't even know if he wants to proceed, let alone live together). Than:
-I realized I was feeding my addiction with fantasizing (this was given)
-I decided not to encourage the fantasizing (this was a decision, footwork)
-I observed my mind dozing off and fantasizing (I could not help this), yet stayed aware of it (footwork again).
So I guess, what I can do is stay aware once I have realized I'm in addictive thoughts. I share these thoughts with my higher power (I visualize that I make a connection and give him/her direct access to whatever's inside me) and then leave it up to god.
If I would push myself ("stop that compulsive thinking, it's BAD for you.."), I would just get into a fight with myself.

[moonlight]

Question 6:

How does powerlessness give you insight, understanding and perspective on your disease and your compulsion?

I'd like to share about my compulsion. I haven't answered the questions 4 and 5 of step 1 yet, and I fully intend to do so in the next couple of days. But what I want to share now has to do with the compulsion, so I start with this question. Hope this is alright.
My compulsion is that I keep checking my email. As long as I'm in the house, I can't stop it. I do it so very often. Now I have this forum, when I start the internet it goes to this forum, so first I pay attention to my and your writing. But afterwards, I just have to go and check. And than I do an online game, then check again. Then maybe make a quick meal, then check again. The only way to stop this would be to hand over my modem to somebody. Or to go out of the house, which I try to organize a lot. I have holidays now, but normally I work 4 days a week. But still, after work, the computer awaits.
My BF is in Italy momentarily, and I don't expect anything through the phone. He has good email connection. I received an email last night, stating he'd get back in touch soon to answer my email (in which I indicate I'd like to give it another try). But if he's at home, I'm also checking my phone for text messages a lot. More than I want to. I have removed the chat program from my computer, because it drove me crazy to see him online, not wanting to initiate a conversation, waiting for him to do so. But the compulsion is wide awake!!!
Another compulsion is doubting on how to act towards him. I'm so afraid to lose him. Now I'm pondering over whether or not it's wise to surprise pick him up at the airport. Another thing I do compulsively, is asking an oracle for advice (something like tarot). But I ask far too many questions. Any spiritual teacher that I would ask the same question that many times, and in that narrow a way, would not answer anymore. It's not taking it seriously.
By the way, I have a tendency to take the careful route and not go to the airport tomorrow, to give him space. But the motivation is not correct; I should not be deciding based on how I think he will react, but rather on what I think is healthy behavior. But I have no idea at the moment.

So actually, it's the other way around: my compulsion gives me inside in my powerlessness. Which is a relief to identify, because I have good experiences with accepting my powerlessness with compulsive eating.
Moonlight

[moonlight]

2-1-2010

What is the fatal nature of our disease? In this, How at the very least, has the disease has diminished your life (i.e. discuss your "rock bottom")

I will try and translate this into Dutch. Waarom wordt onze ziekte "fataal" genoemd? Hoe heeft de ziekte jouw leven negatief beinvloed? Wat is je absolute dieptepunt geweest?

I hope I translate it well. I see I have a problem with "at the very least". Does it mean: what was your rock bottom?

Anyway, I'll answer it as I understand it.

My rock bottom has come several times. It's feeling desperate, unable to move, numb, stone. No, I guess the rock bottom is the feelings of utter desperation and loneliness, the feeling of numbness that comes right after it is a way to deal with it. Anyway, it tears me apart. I feel I've had this feeling on and off as long as I can remember. It must have been very young that I first had it. From my parents' story, my life was wonderful until my little sister was born, I was 2,5 years old. My mother remembers that one time I smacked her and my mother got very angry with me. I think this has probably been the first time ever that she was angry with me. It must have scared me very much. I felt like I fell off my throne into the mud. So from a happy narcissistic little toddler onto a "good for nothing". I have felt both ways in my life. Always striving, of course, for the throne-feeling. At least not the gutter.
Practically hitting rock bottom, to me, means:
-when I'm in a relationship: when something happens that makes me think he'll break up with me or I should break up with him: I completely panic. Don't feel anymore what is normal and decent behavior. Cross his boundaries. Rock bottom: I went to his house in the middle of the night after I discovered he was on a dating site again (the same one where we met). I woke him up and shouted to him, packed my stuff and went back with this very expensive taxi.
-when the relationship is over: I feel like life has no use anymore. I struggle through my days. Every step takes effort. It is very very hard to maintain my job (still I do). So: struggling. And crying, crying, crying.
-when I'm single: at times I feel desperate for love. The day is colored grey. Also so much struggling.

[moonlight]

Question 5:

What part has your self-discipline, or lack thereof, played an important part in your life? DO you ask yourself, "If I were more self-disciplined I wouldn't be so compelled to chase after my PoA (person of addiction)?" Is it possible to consider "self-discipline" as the key to stopping your behavior?

I think my self-discipline has pulled me through in life a lot of times. It has made me come out of bed and to school in the morning when I really, really didn't want to. I made me do my studies one day at a time, whereas I felt like I was never going to end them. It has forced me to open up about my true feelings to my friends, family, everybody. It has given me the possibility to do all the footwork I needed to do in the other 12 step program. It has pulled me through these last 1,5 years, where I did a job that I was very frightened of to fail, and many times in the morning, when I was sitting on the couch and every fibre in me, did not want to go to work, it made me pull myself together and get there one step at a time.

This said: I know from experience that self-discipline has limited power. I need to use it to change the things that I can, but I also need to accept the things I cannot change. Among which are:

-When my computer is in working order, I spend at least 4 hours a day behind it (regularly checking my email for something from my POA); that's why I've decided to give up my internet subscription and start use the ones in the library instead.

-All the self-discipline in the world cannot directly remove my obsessive thought pattern about my POA leaving me and about the fear I have for my work and colleagues.

-Self-discipline crumbles when I have a bag of crisps in front of me: no matter if I'm hungry or feeling sick, the bag will go. That's why I don't buy them anymore (just the small ones, one at a time).

Etcetera. I understand fully that my self-discipline is most necessary to do the footwork, but won't work to free myself directly from the addiction(s.

[moonlight]

Question 7:

a) Isn't the deception of others nearly always rooted in the deception of ourselves?

b) How does this relate to your relationship history?

c) What have we done in the past due to our love addiction that reaffirms this idea?

First of all: ouch. I just received the long awaited email of my BF. It was distant and he told me the problem is that he's not in love with me anymore. He suggested meeting once in a while to see if the feeling would come back to him. I repeat: ouch. Cried my heart out with my mother and father on the telephone, the darlings, the only ones I dared call that late in the evening (11). I'm confused on what to do: break up or agree with his in-between suggestion. I decided I'm going to write him back in a few days to tell him I am going to give it time and prayer. The problem is: I do want to keep in touch with his children, because they are attached to me. I don't want them to feel abandoned. So: I'll have to meet up with him anyway. Maybe just to pick up the kids for a walk or something. Have to think about that.

a) How have I deceived others? I guess my (x?)BF, by falling in love with my image of him, rather than finding out who he was and then falling in love. But then, doesn't that always happen when people fall in love? Maybe I can avoid that in the future. Other than that, I wouldn't know. I've never lied to him. Instead he complained that I was too direct and straightforward.
Otherwise, I haven't deceived anybody. But: myself. Maybe. I don't know yet if I'm deceiving myself or not. I'd like to find peace within this dilemma, so that the answer can come to me. The only way to reach this I think is when I can accept the strong possibility that it won't work out. But also the possibility that it will. Normally, I would have broken up by now, out of hurt that someone says he doesn't love me anymore. I just want to find peace whatever the situation.

b) I have deceived myself many times. I very easily come to believe that the person I'm in love with is perfect for me, even if there are strong signs that he might not be. Actually: I also deceive myself into thinking I'm less worthy. And also that it will never work out for me because I'm a useless no good stupid nerd. I also deceive myself into believing I am a victim. So it has to do with equality, my deceptions. With self-worth.
Also I've deceived myself in moments of insanity into believing it would be right to contact a POA, where earlier I'd decided that this wouldn't be a good idea. I've done humiliating things. Like showing up unexpectedly when someone hadn't been very kind to me. In this, I've also crossed their borders of course. Or more subtle: continuing to talk about a subject when I noticed by the way my BF reacted, he wasn't really interested.

c) I've always been very straightforward towards people: I haven't deceived them. Or when I think I might have, I've apologized and talked it over with them. Towards myself: I make myself too small. Or, as a reaction: I get into a rage and blow myself up and shout to my BF.

[moonlight]

I am feeling so very sad. Am crying behind the computer. I received an email from my BF that he's not in love with me anymore. Yet he wants to meet up once in a while and see if the feeling will return. But I think he means dating other people too. I feel so sad and bad and rejected and in pain. I don't want to live like this. don't worry I'd never hurt myself physically. It's just a way of saying how bad I feel. So small as well, like a little child that is abandoned. And also so worthless. Unworthy of love. I have a feeling I cannot cope with this again. I'm so tired of this feeling. And also I'm so sad because I'd love to have kids, and I love his, and now I'm 32 and of course anything can happen but what if it doesn't? I'd make a good mother, I'm sure. I know I have no right to a man, to kids. I read it in the post on happiness. Anyway that's just projections, not now. I do miss his kids, I love them. This is no projection, I loved being around them and them getting attached to me. Their interest comes first because they are children.
And it's so late now and I'm sitting here, I have to go to work tomorrow, it's 1 in the morning. It seemed better to go online and read and share than to go to bed alone crying. It was better, it was my decision. Also to check my email late in the evening.

[moonlight]

Hi
Thank you so much for the kind responses and the prayers. I really feel like they've helped. This morning when I was in the bus towards my work, I suddenly felt like I was being held by god. I wasn't brought up with religion, and usually I feel like there are many faces to a higher power, but today it definitely felt like a father to me who was very strong and caring. Also, everybody around me seemed so kind and innocent, like I could see right through their shields and into their original good nature. This does sound a bit spacey. I might have been a little high on natural drugs due to lack of sleep and as a physical reaction to being so sad...

It's a great feeling that I don't have to explain to any of you the gravity of the feeling of losing your relationship. The Unity Prayer just came to mind. It's been a long time since I've actually said it out loud in a group!

I put my hand in yours. And together we can do, what we could never do alone. No longer is there a sense of hopelessness. No longer must we each depend upon our own unsteady willpower. We are all together now, reaching out our hands for a power and strength greater than ours. And as we join hands, we'll find love and understanding, beyond our wildest dreams.

That's what I feel like interchanging with the pain. I feel like god is taking care of me, partly through you guys.

Moonlight

My step one:

I am in pain. There is a hole in my heart, in my early development. I've been seriously lacking love and support at a critical age.
Much therapy and 12 step work has helped me a lot on a lot of aspects of my life. I'm a worrisome yet happy person. But when it comes to love, the pain shows itself a lot.
I have tried my best to work my way out of it. I am now able to protect myself psychically and mentally. But the pain is still there. And it still has a strong influence on any romantic relationship I enter. Because sometimes it throws me right back in time as if I were the little child again. And I tend to act like a little child, not like an equal to my partner. Try to make him feel guilty. Playing the victim. I try to change these patterns by will power. But so far, it hasn't worked. Also, it's such a struggle. I try to control my patterns by will power. With the wrong goal: to keep my BF instead of be true to myself. I liked what was said before: that which you try to control, will control you instead. Fighting is not the answer to this.

I long for a relationship with god to depend on. But that's step two!