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Post by jfriend on Jun 15, 2010 19:26:18 GMT -5
Today marks 10 weeks of no contact ... none, whatsoever. I guess if I look at the big picture, 70 days isn't really that much. What's more, as I've shared here, I've only been out of rehab for about 53 days ... so perhaps I should go easy on myself when I'm wondering WHY I'm still obsessing. My mind goes a lot of places: "I'll never find love again, I'll never find someone like her again, she's probably found someone great, I'm scared of being alone, I don't know what to do with all the time, etc." The thoughts come continually, one behind the other ... and they tend to beat me down. I'm working fairly diligently in my other 12 Step Program, and I'm hoping I'll be able to experience some of the promises soon. But, I need to develop patience as well ... I've always wanted to end my pain quickly - and this time, it's just not going to be a quick-fix. However, THIS is the pain - it's real, it's always been here, and I'm finally facing/feeling it. As I've said before, I HAVE to believe that it holds a gift in store for me - I have to believe that I will find true meaning in all this. I need to have faith that if I work the program, that eventually, the burden of self-obsession will be lifted, and I'll begin to look at things differently. I get glimpses of it, actually, and it's pretty cool. It may be when someone says something during a meeting, or when I'm journaling ... but there are those brief moments of clarity. And, I can only hope that these are merely tiny crumbs of the peace of mind that awaits. It works if you work it, and I HAVE to work it this time.
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Post by iwillsurvive on Jun 15, 2010 21:14:49 GMT -5
Great attitude jfriend! You WILL reap the benefits of this process if you keep doing what you're doing. You are willing to face the pain and that is going to open the doors to freedom for you. I am encouraged to do the same. Thanks for sharing what's going on with you. Challenge those "I'll never ..." thoughts (really lies) and don't accept them. You are learning to love YOU and that is going to make a big difference. Keep up the good work!
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Post by jfriend on Jun 15, 2010 23:34:04 GMT -5
Thanks, iwillsurvive - I appreciate the encouragement. It's probably the most pain I've ever experienced; however, I'm not running from it ... and because of that, I have faith I will emerge STRONGER.
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Post by recovery1st on Jun 16, 2010 2:39:08 GMT -5
Jfriend, The best favor we can do is face our pain. It will spare a lot of new grief in the future. I have faith you will emerge stronger, wiser & happier.
Today had it's moments. At times I felt dazed, like this can't be real & others I understood why. My addiction had much to do with these delayed feelings & my drug of choice was no longer my H for a reason...it didn't work anymore.
Trying to stay in today cuz the thought of me having to move out & live alone is scarey. It sounds like it wont have to be for a while now, so that's cool. We'll see. Either way, Recovery 1st!
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Post by g on Jun 16, 2010 3:50:17 GMT -5
Well done jfriend, It really is one day at a time. And every day that passes takes us one step further away from our POA and one step closer to sanity. I've been in recovery for 8mths now and I can tell you that apart from a couple of times when I was pinged, My POA seems like a distant memory. I never believed thta would happen but it has. I can also confess that my addict actually wants to obsess about him sometimes but seems to get sick of it after a few minutes. My adult takes over and shakes off the sick thinking. It's taken time but staying close to the fellowship and reaching out when necessary is such a help. I'm married so there is someone there for me but I'm starting to see that I don't really need to have someone in my life. I'm not codep with my husband, haven't been for many years, and I feel stronger on my own two feet. I feel very blessed to be here and to have all the support I have found over the last months. Having Hp in my life is what makes me feel whole, not having another person by my side or 'completing' me. That is a huge step for me and it is a truly liberating feeling. Two years ago I was a clingy, needy mess who was panicking about the future. Now I live in the moment and feel very grounded most of the time. So very different from the way I was when I was in the throes of my addiction. Handing my future over to my HP helped me to stop obsessing I think. There really is nothing we can do to make things happen or to change the course of events , so why bother trying? It's just a lot of wasted energy and more unnecessary grief in our lives. Handing over all that grief to my HP is a very simple recipe that works for me making my life more manageable than ever before. G
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