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Post by admin on Jun 11, 2010 16:12:24 GMT -5
Welcome to 'Hope For Love Addicts.'
We're just getting started and glad you've joined us.
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Post by knowlove on Jun 11, 2010 16:14:17 GMT -5
Welcome to the board recovery. Happy you found us.
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Post by admin on Jun 11, 2010 16:20:21 GMT -5
This was posted by Greta: I am better this morning. I had an awful day yesterday, could not stop thinking about POA. I never posted this at the old place, but I was advised about a month ago that it might make sense in my situation to start dating on occasion so long as I was seriously focused on creating a successful relationship and kept things at a slow pace. Being the LA I am, I saw this as a green light to shift my obsession from my POA to dating. I went online and soon had several email and telephone conversations going and went out on a few first dates. It felt obsessive from the start. I had merely switched from wine to beer. I pm'ed a member who I have tremendous respect for and she agreed that this was not what I should be doing. I then started phasing out the dating, etc. Two days ago I ended the last of the email conversations and am now finished with it. I mention all of this because I think it is what triggered my obsession yesterday with my POA. Since I could no longer feed my addiction with all those emails, phone calls and dates, I was back to my POA. It feels like I am starting all over again, but with the additional burden of grieving the loss of all that positive input from very nice people. Today is a little better so I am hopeful things will soon calm down. DY, when i was in early recovery I was very like you. when you are going through withdrawals it is so easy to medicate by latching onto someone else. Really seems to soothe the pain cos it gets us high enough to keep the feelgood chemicals going. But then, when we let go of that supply we come crashing down worse than before. I'm not sure how long you've had NC with your POA, but I think that if you're probably still obsessing about her it's maybe best to wait a little while longer before dating again. Starting my facial exercise prog really helped me channel al lot of that obsessive thinking into something that is making me feel and look better. Not suggesting FE to you, altho' lots of men do it, but a new hobby or sport might help you to detox a bit better than you are now. G
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Post by moonlight on Jun 11, 2010 16:48:17 GMT -5
I feel lousy because I don't have a boyfriend! What's underneath this?
-Scared about work -Addicted to internet and online dating and its kicks -A bit "off" because of the stuff about the other site -Jealous at my sister with her very steady relationship -Jealous at my very pregnant friend
Grrr. What to do? Step 1: I feel completely powerless over my addiction to internet-kicks. Only thing I can do is put away modem. Life isn't unmanageable but it is at this part. Step 2: Is there possibly a god? There possibly is. I compulsively use an oracle to get answers about future romance/kicks. It destroys the faith. Step 3: Okay God, here I am, I don't know what you are or where you are or who you are, I really don't. I know you're love. I know you're peace and happiness and feeling content. I give my will and life to you. It's yours. I'll do what it takes. Step 4: Root of the problem: -Lots and lots of fear -Very easily stressed brain system because of stressed childhood and faulty attachment to parents -Escape mechanisms: *Getting kicks *Procastinating *Avoiding difficult tasks or thoughts *Feeling superior *Feeling inferior *Stubbornness (don't want to give up my highs) *Mistrust: don't trust God to take care of my love life.
Step 5: Is what I'm doing here and now. To you guys.
Step 6: OK but what if... I let god take it away and I will never find a relationship? How well has he/she done so far? What if I relax and nothing happens: no children for me? How to become willing to have my higher power take away my character defects?? Any suggestions? I'd love them!
Moonlight
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Post by sexlessw on Jun 11, 2010 17:23:25 GMT -5
Getting thru another round of NC with Aspen - but it's not over with him.
Will be more communicative and supportive of everybody after my double shifts on the weekend.
All: NC = No New Hurts. The answers lie within - it's a real pain getting to those answers!
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Post by quinn on Jun 11, 2010 18:58:42 GMT -5
Love that baby bird thing Rickfaith. I didn't grow up with church or religion but absolutely know there is a God (or Presence or Spirit or something) when I look at nature.
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Post by knowlove on Jun 11, 2010 19:26:10 GMT -5
Moonlight, I love how you break everything down and it is in outline form! I should do that myself. I understand a lot of your feelings although mine are for different reasons but still same FEELINGS. Scared. Scared to "let go" of: feelings for POA obsessing, so used to it looking for my next "high" seeking attention substituting my addiction needs with something else I am seeing things and feeling things I am afraid to feel. I feel a tug of war inside of me because I am trying to let go of feelings for POA and move on and (I assume it is my inner child) something inside is fighting me to NOT let go but hold on for dear life. When with POA I felt free, I felt I could be the "real" me not pretend to be happy, and no worries or fears. Complete and utter bliss. My "real" life did not exist. Inside me was a peace and comfort and every time I try to walk away something inside fights me on this. So, tonight, I am scared. Scared for what I want to do and the repercussions. So, Moonlight Yes, I do understand your feelings of being scared. Sexlessw-so happy to see you!!! BTW I do believe in God. I could tell a freaky story that happened to my H that showed him there was NO doubt HE exists. Love to all.
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Post by moonlight on Jun 12, 2010 1:21:54 GMT -5
Thank you for your kind and wise remarks my friends!! Yesterday evening in bed it suddenly struck me: I believe I'm deeply inferior because I am single at 32, almost 33. I feel exposed, now everyone sees what a failure I really am. Not a nice feeling, but a start since it's genuine. Love to everyone, Moonlight.
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Post by recovery1st on Jun 12, 2010 2:23:39 GMT -5
Oh man...I felt empowered & on my way, then don't even know what hit me...but I fell big time. Crossed many respectable boundaries but not sure of the consequences yet.
I was expecting it to flare up with my qualifier...not with my exPoA. Proof, this is my deal, not theirs.
Feeling sorry for my out burst of LA. Ashamed. Angry at him. Angry at me.
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Post by g on Jun 12, 2010 5:08:51 GMT -5
Ok talking about emotions how do those of you with purple screens feel? I changed the colour of the board yesterday...or was it the day before? Anyway, for those of you who are getting a headache from the purples and pinks, go into your profile by clicking on the icon at the top of the page, once you're on your profile page click on 'modify profile, scroll down till you find 'skin', select default if you want blue and white, or 'lilac' if you want something a bit brighter (courtesy of our computer geek KB ) Scroll down a bit further and save the changes you made. End of headache hopefully As well as messing around with the colours, there's actually a lot of work going on to find a way to make this fellowship as 'equal' as it possibly can be. Not sleeping much at all, but hoping all of you bear with us until we get things sorted out and clearly defined in everybody's best interests. I'm also praying hard in the hope that this fellowship gets stronger and stronger and hope all of you are praying too (in whatever way you feel comfortable.) G
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Post by g on Jun 12, 2010 5:34:23 GMT -5
I'm a bit sad that I had to give up all my posts ( AGAIN ) All my previous posts are on ADMIN account so if you want to read them that's where they are.
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Post by primrose on Jun 12, 2010 5:47:10 GMT -5
G hugs for all your work, know what you're doing to make this a 12 and 12 and really appreciate it thank you! And hugs to all LAs, lovely that you're here xxxxxx I feel a shift today in myself, yay! I went to a very good meeting last night. I spoke about how because of the pain I've been in about the IVF not working and my friend dying, I've been walking very close to my addiction. And I really have. I haven't acted out at all, but it's been so close to me the desire to harm myself. It's like the closer I am to my authentic self, the closer I am to my shadow. But it's good, it's helping me, because not acting out when I'm in pain is really so healing. Yesterday I felt free from the fantasy of my POA. And today I feel happy in myself. I think I got through another layer of fear somehow and I didn't need my fantasy-daddy to get me through it. I can do it myself. I feel a tiny bit more grown up today. Maybe I am 12 and a bit today, rather than eternally 12 P.
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Post by recovery1st on Jun 12, 2010 7:20:13 GMT -5
Went from empowered, to a big fall. Right now, feeling ready to stand up & continue the walk. It's not so easy when I effected others.
feeling sorry for acting out. sorry to them. sorry for me.
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Post by knowlove on Jun 12, 2010 8:52:08 GMT -5
Moon you are not a failure for being single at 32 but my saying that will not change how you feel. Only you can change that. It is our addiction making us feel we are nothing without a man. Untrue. Hope you conquer this feeling and find you are a beautiful human being that God has created and no one can take that away from you (if you don't let them!). Hugs.............know the struggle.
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Post by knowlove on Jun 12, 2010 19:27:32 GMT -5
DY, Always hard to hear from a POA no matter what stage we are at. It is bound to stir up some type of emotion even if it is ambivalence. I felt I handled my POA's pings well and we had a very good conversation actually but I cant say it did not affect me somehow. I'm sorry you had to go through that as I know you care about her kids. Sounds like you handled it well though. Recovery how are you today after your tough day yesterday?
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