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Post by g on Jul 25, 2010 6:23:42 GMT -5
Let's start a new thread. Other one is 35 pages long! G
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Post by rickfaith on Jul 25, 2010 6:47:59 GMT -5
welll...went to the festival yesterday...12 hours later...got out of there still i one piece. i have found that since my exhausted state of this past year of being a caregiver for my parents, that a lot of my recovery has been ... hmmm... how do i say it... I have regressed? I am more jealous, more insecure, irratable, etc. Judgemental, fearful, worried more. Anyway, yesterday i spent all day with butterflies extreme...like i was going to throw up all day... insecure, watching gf and watching tio see who she looked at...and one guy was very handsome and she did like a double take...and it almost killed me... and she is very loyal but i guess very human...she says she doesnt size men up...but i can see it happen...whether i am sick o0r insecure or not it happens. But i do it like aq hundred times more than she does... but the insecurity, selfr centeredness, and weak feelinmgs...abandonment, jealousy, fear, and trying to ciontrol when i am out of control...is awful...anyone else here ever go through that..? i suspect I am not alone. Its very very hard, and then she wants to go to the front and 'waqtch' the band, and i just wonder why watch? Its very juvenile i am sure...but also, very very, very painful and i hate being like it...and i shared with her how i felt...and now am afraid that she will have that "on me" and next time we break up ... (which ought to be soon ) as thats the pattern, next time then i go through worse hell because she will know that night clubs, other men, hurt me, and will do that to me... OR...in MY MIND she will, which is a zoo of its own. Like a teenager, I must continue..... i guess, a very hurt hurt hurt teenager...maybe 12 years old and too short, over weight, and never ever good enough or as handsome as the other guys. Same old awful painful issues. God, please take these fears from me, and let me trust that you HP will deliver me from this madness...for this madness is so awful in its panic, terror, and then trying to control outcomes, saying and acting stupid and juvenile, Please HP let me get well. Amen
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Post by knowlove on Jul 25, 2010 9:11:15 GMT -5
Rick, sorry to hear you are feeling so insecure and feeling like you are regressing. I hope somehow you can get a grasp on them and start telling yourself it is the disease and can try to look at everything logically which I know can be so difficult! I pray things get better for you! You have been under an incredible amount of stress this past year! I will keep you in my prayers.
I am going through a very stressful time right now. H had a drinking bender the other night and I had no idea where he was or if he was ok. Finally got ahold of him at 3:15 am and he could barely talk. He does this rarely but it was a major problem in our marriage eyars ago and caused us to split for awhile. On top of all this my daughte ris now very ill with Lyme's disease to the point she has to be on a sedative and completely bedridden. Her husband is in the coast guard and has to be away for 2 1/2 weeks so we will be taking care of my grandson. We had him last night and he was up several times and the night before I got only two hours sleep because of my worry about H. So, I am in need of prayers today. Hope everyone else is doing ok!
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Post by g on Jul 25, 2010 9:22:20 GMT -5
Rick, baby steps but keep looking forwards.
Nancy honey, oh my goodness how terrible for you. I know you're thinking 'What next?' but its at times like this that we really need to trust in God and stay calm and grounded for those around us who need us. Phew! What a terrible time tho. Huge hug and prayers coming your way. G
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Post by iwillsurvive on Jul 25, 2010 10:46:20 GMT -5
Rick,
Sorry to hear about all the pain you're feeling. I know it must be very tough to deal with and I hope you can work through it in recovery.
Here's one of my experiences with jealousy in a relationship. I married a man who thought I was looking at other men in the health club, for instance. We would leave the club together and he would be all moody and irritable. I would ask why and he would insist that I was staring at a handsome man at the gym.
Of course I don't know what you're gf is doing. I can only speak for myself. I truly was not looking at a guy at the gym and I didn't even know who he was talking about. I was watching TV while doing cardio. I actually am slightly near-sighted so I had to concentrate on the TV because it is far away.
What your situation reminds me of is that other people's behavior is about them, not me. It is the old abandonment and insecurity pressing in during times like that. And, that type of jealousy and fear will tear a relationship apart. In my case, those jealousy incidents became more and more intense and it was one of the factors that led to our annulment.
Knowlove,
My prayers are with you. Taking care of your grandson on limited sleep and with so much added stress from your husband's behavior has got to be exhausting. So sorry to hear about your daughter's bout with Lyme disease. Sounds really debilitating. Well, sounds like you're in "when it rains, it pours" season. Very tough. Virtual hugs -- and more importantly, prayer -- being sent your way.
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Post by iwillsurvive on Jul 25, 2010 10:52:34 GMT -5
Quinn,
Didn't get a chance yesterday to let you know that you are in my prayers as well. Sorry that you have the information about where your POA slept recently. If you can, remember to pity whoever he is with because he is the same avoidant he was with you. He hasn't had time to grieve or work on his issues and it didn't sound like he was even aware he had issues. Virtual hugs to you ...
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Post by g on Jul 25, 2010 11:05:51 GMT -5
Sorry Quinn,there has been so much going on and I didn't say anything to you after your last post. Then again, maybe I just chose not to register what you were saying because I relate so much to your pain. I've let go of my POA almost entirely. Still sneaks into my thoughts occasionally but God help me if I hear about anything he's doing or anybody he might be involved in. It has made FB practically off limits to me because he's a contact of a contact of a contact of mine. Ugh. I dread hearing him mentioned at all. It means I'm also keeping away from long lost schoolfriends I had recently started talking to again.
All one of them wants to talk about is an ex bf from 20 yrs ago she's back in contact with. I found myself starting to warn her about the dangers of hooking up again. Luckily a good recovery friend suggested I should step back. That's what I've done. FB is too close to home for me and I'm feeling uncomfortable being on there at all.
POAs? Yuck. Just let's stay as far away as we can, if we can. Otherwise a big wall betw us and them if there is LC. G
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angel
New Member
Posts: 14
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Post by angel on Jul 25, 2010 12:26:36 GMT -5
am feeling sad and angry at my Q. I am about to start my 12 steps again and don't want to let go of him but it is inevitable.
I think I am hanging on to the idea of him even though I am way to scared to ever go back to him. I think that I am trying to stay single cos I am scared fo getting hurt again. Strangely enough I am having a lot of men show interst in me despite the fact that I am unavailable - go figure!
I am both hanging on and resisting. I don't want him back but I do - I don't believe that people change and certainly, I haven't seen anything about him that has changed that says "Hey I Fudgeed up and I am sorry and I am doing a lot of work on myself to fix me so that I WILL be available"
Nope, don't see it and unless I saw it I wouldn't go there.
sad and angry sad and angry
Blah
Off to a slaa meeting now
Angel
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Post by kelleyboy on Jul 25, 2010 13:52:00 GMT -5
Exausted today. Helped a friend move this morning, but it was still 90 degrees out at 8:00 am. Next time i decline. Took too much out of me. I had some acting out dreams last night. Getting used to them though. Too hot to go out today. Blyahh. So im just going to fall asleep watching old futurama episodes.
KB
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Post by quinn on Jul 25, 2010 14:42:31 GMT -5
Flying back home. Have missed posting over weekend but love still being able to read all the posts on phone. Thanks for your supprt regarding poa. I'm back to feeling mostly just pity for him and whoever the "lucky" new gf is. I just want divorce to be done already so I never have to hear from him or about him again. Feeling very grateful at the moment to have no kids since that means once divorce is over NC can be a reality. Hugs to everyone.
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Post by trout46 on Jul 25, 2010 15:18:20 GMT -5
I am feeling rather terrible that I care so much about all of you, yet get caught up on board business that isn't even public. I have resolved to stop succumbing to it all. Please don't misunderstand, I am the problem; I'm not trying to lay this at anyone or anything else. That said:
Rick: I understand, all too well, jealousy, and its dastardly effects on us. Since I have been working on my LRA recovery, it has become abundandly clear that my jealousy (for example, directed at other men who would show too much interest in my ex-w) was a direct-connect to my inner child insecuriies. Just one more way they play out or act out in my life. I have also been the object of my ex's jealously with other women. In that context, she would get triggered with jealousy if a woman paid too much attention to me, and then effectively blame me for it, because I was "too nice" to said other person. (IWS: I can definitely relate to your story!) I'm going to have to start a new thread on "seeing POAs for who they really are" today, because too much has built up to get into it here.
Quinn: It really sucks to find out something like that, and I feel for you. Maybe you will "enjoy" the new thread I plan to begin.
Knowlove: I sincerely hope alcohol doesn't reemerge as something you will have to deal with frequently. (I know this one all too well; can really say, been there, done that, as the acting out and hurting, numbing alcoholic!) I will defnitely keep your daughter in my thoughts and prayers.
Greta: I can relate to FB. I've steered very clear of it, and plan to maintain that posture, until I'm sure I can no longer be triggered by the POA!
IWU: Your comment, "other people's behavior is about them, not me," is something I have to keep uppermost in mind. I want to take everyone on, and have done so repeatedly. It is an extremely dysfunctional way that abandonment and insecurity issue play out with me. Everything is my fault; everything is about me. As counterintuitive as it is to me, I have to recognize this tendency is a function of my own egocentric nature--a hallmark character defect of a recovery alcoholic and LRA.
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Post by pengal18 on Jul 25, 2010 16:05:41 GMT -5
Hmm....officially? Day 4, again,of no contact. Caved in and responded to soem lame texts last week. But - the light at the end of that tunnel- I was able to detach quickly from the conversation and look at it from a new lens - the "you are a crazy basket and I want nothing to do with you" lens. This was new, and huge for me as previously - I would fall back into the "what can I do, how can I help" trap so typical of codepency and obsesions.
Struggling with recovery - particularly the higher power stuff. I believe in a higher power - but have always found it hard to just "let go and let God" or whoever or whatever it is you let go too. I always found that I had to take care of it myself. So to just let the HP take it? feels impossible to me. I shy away from structured religious/churches as it is so hard to find one that embodies my beliefs. Any suggestions for starting grounds on the whole giving it to the HP process would be very helpful to me. Thanks all - I can feel your strength and love....
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Post by g on Jul 25, 2010 16:50:06 GMT -5
Hang in there pengal. Working the steps will really help you I'm sure to 'let go and let God.'
Hopefully you'll be able to start doing Step work here asap.
G
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Post by trout46 on Jul 25, 2010 17:44:29 GMT -5
Welcome Pengal:
You probably know this, and have heard it, but I can't stress enough how NOT religion is the approach to a HP in recovery. Sometimes, we have been so conditioned in our youth to view our image of any Creator, God, Supreme Being in the specific context of the faith and church in which were raised, that it can be very difficult to step out of that and find your own understanding of a Higher Power. I have heard people say that virtually anything could be your HP, but such a comment can often add to the confusion. The good news is that you can begin by digging around in the beliefs you already have, and grow into it.
In addition to recovering from love and relationship addiction, I am a recovering alcoholic and codependent, and I've been doing the HP and 12 step thing for a while. The first step has always bottom-lined my addiction for me--whatever addiction it might be. And more importantl, admitting the two conditions which are included in the first step has made it much easier for me to find my HP when I most needed Him.
Admitting I was powerless over alcohol, love, and relationships has not been terribly difficult for me. Generally, by the time we get to a program of recovery, we are experiencing rather severe discomfort and, more to the point of powerlessness, cannot at all control ourselves with the alcohol, love, person we are addicted to, etc. The second part of the first step can present greater obstacles for some--admitting that our lives had become unmanageable. If you can get in touch with that admission, you might find it easier to find the hopeand strength to deal with it in your HP.
For me in this recovery program, everything about my Person of Addiction was way too much for me to deal with. My life had become an utter mess. I had lost my way, and had no ability to help myself. Having found the presence, the mere inkling of the HP I previously had belief in, I learned that the best thing I could do was to give my problems to Him. In AA I often hear: I can't; He can, if I let Him.
Great that you are using No Contact. IMHO, nothing is better to help you begin to get a handle on your love and relationship addiction than zero contact with your POA.
Hope to learn more about over time.
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Post by CJ on Jul 26, 2010 8:05:59 GMT -5
It has been a difficult several days. I received an email from Poa’s brother, a reliable guy who never involved himself in any of our drama. He told me that the creepy guy that Poa was seeing before me had moved in with her, and Poa's family is really upset. He is apparently very abusive to Poa and her girls. The family, especially her father, are imploring me to return and give it another shot (the brother attached a scanned letter from the father, who I had been close to). They are saying that Poa was happier with me than at any time in her adult life and they want me to “save her”. It was particularly difficult to hear that this guy is treating Poa’s daughters like rubbish. I was very attached to them and they did not do anything to cause me to leave them.
I have not replied to the email, but am very caught up with thinking about Poa and what is happening. I don’t know if she was behind the email or even knows about it. She chose to let this guy back into her life, so for all I know, she might be happy about it. I also feel very guilty about Poa and the girls being abused. I know the choices were not all mine, but I hate to see people I loved being hurt because of my actions. So, I will focus on work and other things today to keep busy; and try to chat with HP, but I am really not feeling it.
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