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Post by quinn on Jul 26, 2010 9:33:20 GMT -5
CJ, my heart goes out to you. That is really a hard one. It sounds like the whole family is codependent and completely lost and confused. Even if you were the best thing that ever happened to her, it makes no sense that the way to "save" her is for you to come back into her life. Her family thinks another relationship (with you) will save her, but what she really needs is to stay out of relationships until she figures out her issues.
But she's not the point anyway. And as hard as it is to hear this, neither are the girls (POA has taken them away from you and even if you were able to involve yourself with them, POA would eventually take them away from you again and you would be back in the same spot.) I think not responding to the email was a very good choice. All you can do is keep working on your own recovery. You're in my thoughts and prayers today.
Hugs.
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Post by g on Jul 26, 2010 9:38:41 GMT -5
Quinn's words expressed my feelings perfectly CJ.
You need to save your own life and cannot save either her or her children. Very sad to have to say that, but it's true.
NC would not only allow you to concentrate on recovery but it would also protect you hearing any more of your POA's family grief.
G
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Post by pengal18 on Jul 26, 2010 9:44:20 GMT -5
CJ - Good for you for maintaining distance from the situation - as you can now recognize that her choices are hers alone to make and learn from. We are fixers, by nature from what I am reading. So naturally, this pulls on you to come in and do what feels natural and right to you at the moment. So proud that you are taking the high road and trying very hard to stick with your recovery... Try to separate yourself from that guilt feeling - this is her choice, not yours. That means - no guilt on your part since it had nothing to do with you.
Keep trying to say an affirmation- get work done - and when you can - come to this safe place where we understand. Sending big hugs your way....hang in there...
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Post by iwillsurvive on Jul 26, 2010 10:01:51 GMT -5
CJ,
I can see how that would be a tough email to receive. Of course it's hard to hear how POA's children are being treated by her new bf. The children are innocent in all of this. Like quinn and greta, I don't think you can rescue the POA and her children. You tried that before and you know the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. The best thing that could happen to them is for their mom to get help for her issues.
Still, I can understand your pain. When you're used to rescuing -- and that may be a role you've taken throughout your life -- it's hard to quit. Codependence is another addiction. I played rescuer in my family of origin for years. I eventually found that it depleted me so much that I became weak and unable to rescue anyone else or myself for that matter.
All of this points back to surrendering to your HP. Your HP can handle this situation. I agree with others that it is time to save yourself. Remember what the flight attendants say if you need oxygen during an emergency: put the mask on yourself first and then your child.
BTW, you posted in reply to a comment I made on another thread and I read it and then couldn't find it again. I wanted to reply to your reply. Just wanted to thank you for responding. Glad to see you posting. Together we are stronger.
I am praying for you and POA's family today.
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Post by g on Jul 26, 2010 10:08:06 GMT -5
IWS, Sorry! I moved some stuff around yesterday and created new categories and boards.
You could click on the 50 most recent posts which you will find under the most recent post, or you could click on CJ's profile and look for the post you are referring to there.
G
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Post by iwillsurvive on Jul 26, 2010 10:12:37 GMT -5
Angel, Glad you're here. I understand the duality of wanting to be with a POA and not wanting to be with a POA at the same time. I recently read a book about love addicts and it said that we are double-minded because we have a more mature part of ourselves and the younger addict part of ourselves. They battle for control. I've sure seen this in my life. Keep working on yourself. You will grow and the mature part of you will keep you safe and bring peace and stability.
Pengal, Welcome to the LRAA board! You're in a safe place. A lot of people struggle with finding and then surrendering to a higher power. I struggle on the surrendering part because of trust issues. In your case, try the "seek and you will find" route. Seek your HP and ask for direction. I think it will come to you. Glad to see you here.
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Post by iwillsurvive on Jul 26, 2010 10:15:08 GMT -5
Greta, Yes, I saw that you were reorganizing categories and I think you're doing a great job with that. I did try to find that post by clicking on CJ's profile but I still couldn't find it. Maybe I quit too soon. Thanks for letting me know. IWS
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Post by g on Jul 26, 2010 10:18:57 GMT -5
If you can remember what it was about I'll try and find it for you. G
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Post by CJ on Jul 26, 2010 10:22:39 GMT -5
Thank you everyone. I really appreciate your support and prayers. I know in my head that I cannot go back there and, if I did, we would just replay the same tired script. It is just hard hearing this from a family I became very close to (Poa's mother was dying from cancer while I was there) and thinking of the girls being treated poorly.
I have always had HP issues. Many times I wished I could just have faith in something without having to understand it. CJ
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Post by g on Jul 26, 2010 10:26:29 GMT -5
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Post by iwillsurvive on Jul 26, 2010 10:35:43 GMT -5
CJ, you're not alone in needing to understand your HP before putting your faith in him. Have you ever read "Evidence that Demands a Verdict" by Josh McDowell? Or another book written by a journalist who investigates faith called, "The Case for Faith."
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Post by CJ on Jul 26, 2010 13:11:11 GMT -5
Thanks IWS, I have not read those books. I will check them out.
G - Some people seem condemned to be unable to have faith in things they don't understand. I try to close my eyes to the undefinable nature of HP, but it is contrary to my nature.
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Post by pengal18 on Jul 26, 2010 15:38:50 GMT -5
What a great thread and so timely - CJ - i just posted about my struggles with the HP thing a while ago - I do know that there is an HP - it is the Surrendering to it that I have the hard time with - much like IWS does. So I guess it is Step 3 that I am stuck on...not step 2. Thanks for getting those up today - they are great.
IWS - how have you gotten better at the surrender? Did the books you recommended help you? That's kind of where I'm at - knowing and believing something bigger and better is at work here- but being able to let it all go there....I have that constant need to control it. Thanks - CJ - I hope your day has gotten better - be at peace with your thoughts of love for those girls - send them love through your thoughts - and try to let it go. =) It's all you can do....sending you hugs and light...
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Post by g on Jul 26, 2010 16:30:38 GMT -5
Pengal, CJ, when my 18 year-old brother died in a car crash, I just couldn't understand why it had happened. I could find absolutely no reason for a young boy to suddenly stop living.
There was no way to undo what had happened. Nobody to blame. No logical reason for any of it.
I had to hand it over without hating God for what had happened because i had to listen to my mother wailing and screaming and finally being doped up to the eyeballs just to quieten her down and stop blaming herself for buying her son his car, or letting him learn to drive in the first place.
I needed peace and I prayed a lot to have that. No understanding, just surrender.
The same thing happened when I hit rock bottom with my POA. I desperately needed peace and to stop the insanity. What a relief that surrender was - I could stop fighting and driving myself mad trying to understand my POA. I'd had enough and surrendered again. And thankfully, God answered my prayers again.
I know that doesn't work for everyone, but I'm so grateful it did for me. G
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Post by iwillsurvive on Jul 26, 2010 18:22:23 GMT -5
CJ - I have to think and believe that your higher power totally gets how you are made and is trying to reach you in various ways. My son is the same way and he read those books I recommended and others before signing on to faith. Keep seeking. It will come somehow.
Pengal - I am an abuse survivor and so trust is really tough for me, but God is patient and he allowed me to hit rock bottom so that the only way could go was up. So, I surrendered -- and continue to surrender -- because it is crystal clear to me that I mess up things if I rely on my own wisdom. I make a really lousy god and POAs are also poor substitutes for the real thing.
There are certain principles in life that I've noticed and many are in the 12 Steps. When I follow these principles, my life is blessed. Not perfect. Not problem free. But peaceful even in the midst of a storm. God has proven his faithfulness to me over and over again. He has patiently waited for me to surrender.
When I hit the depression wall over the last POA and other unresolved grief, I simply waved a white flag and said, "Help." God answered my cries in ways I did not expect. For example, a friend from college (I'm 52 so that's a long way back) called me and told me that she had dreamed about me the night before and was concerned for me. Out of the blue. I believe that was one of God's answers to my prayers. There were and are many others.
I feel like I'm coming back from the dead. There's a lot more work I have to do, but I am feeling so much joy and peace these days. Surrendering daily -- even if I want to control stuff -- is a key part of the process. I pray you send your "Help" signal to your higher power and that you reap the benefits of letting go. I am praying for you.
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