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Post by trout46 on Jul 26, 2010 21:40:14 GMT -5
I'm sorry I have been absent from today's posts. CJ, this is definitely a problem you need to turn over to a HP. I have to agree with IWS, that our HP comes to us when we reach out in our state of powerlessness. Pray. I will definitely pray for you. I began to really feel the load lighten when I totally surrendered.
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Post by serenity on Jul 27, 2010 6:07:04 GMT -5
Hi guys,
I really just want to send prayers out to everyone and i've been asking for Gods love and cuddles lots to help me through at the moment.
I went to my good friends mum's funeral yesterday and it almost caused me to break down totally, i could feel myself need ign to release so much pain about my own mother and brother. My friends mum died of lung cancer and she also lost her brother when he was 30 odd to epilepsy. She read a poem that she'd written at the funeral for her mum which was what affected me so much.
It was so beautiful and i am welling up just thinking about it because you could see her heart breaking as she read it through her tears and i had this almighty pain in me thinking that i would never be able to love my mum like that and it hurt so much. What happened if i lost my brother now? I wouldn't want to grieve him and that makes me feel like a terrible person.
I have handed over all these feelings and fears to God and i know it is not within my power to heal this pain, only God can deal with this wounded child within me and bring me the healing i so desperatly want and need. I have learnt to surrender everyday since i've been working the slaa HOW programme.
Here's the prayer that daily helps me:
3rd Step "God I offer myself to you to build with me and do with me as you will. Relieve me of the bondage of self that I may better do your will. Take away my difficulties, so that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help, of your power, your love and your way of life. May I do your will in all my affairs today."
Blessings an joy to you all, V
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Post by g on Jul 27, 2010 7:24:16 GMT -5
Vee, I've been to a few heartbreaking funerals over the past two 3 yrs. I admire my cousins who are able to stand in front of the congregation and talk about their parents and still maintain their composure. I won't be able to do that for my parents when they pass. I was afraid of them dying for most of my life and wwould cry often at that prospect. I had to distance myself from my parents because I loved them too much. And they love me too. I think a huge problem with me is that I can't strike a healthy balance in my relationships. I'm often either too involved or just become avoidant. Working on it. G
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Post by CJ on Jul 27, 2010 7:43:18 GMT -5
Vee - My thoughts and prayers are with you. It is difficult to feel that you have lost someone at a moment when you were unable to share love with them. I hated my father and did not speak with him for over thirty years. Two years ago when he was old and frail and needed me, a relative asked me to speak with him. After some time, I came to believe that I would never forgive myself if I lost him under those circumstances. So, I did. We reconciled to some extent. I still dislike him very much, but I am happy I did it. It was not for him; it was for me. I truly hope you find peace with your feelings. CJ
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Post by g on Jul 27, 2010 8:03:09 GMT -5
Sorry if I seemed insensitive but of course I feel for you too Vee. We talked about this several times on the other board and how I wish you had had a better r/s with your parents. A mother's love is what forms us, I think. I feel a very special bond with my mother and my daughters have told me many many times they feel the same about me. I'm certainly not a perfect mother (have done things I regretted but have had to forgive myselfr)
But my heart really goes out to those of you who never felt their mother's love.
A warm motherly virtual hug from me. For what it's worth. Xxx
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Post by rickfaith on Jul 27, 2010 8:30:31 GMT -5
We could all be surprised at what we could do when we have to do it. i doubted i could see my dad sick, or take care of him, or watch him fade into a skeleton, or handle all of the estate and Mom and Dads passing and the paperwork, and then gave a tribute at his funeral. But i did it. I am so glad i did. he was a good man and i loved him dearly and miss him everyday. He died last December. But he lives on in me. No more suffering now Dad.
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Post by trout46 on Jul 27, 2010 8:41:22 GMT -5
One of the most important of all prayers in recovery "Vee; thank you! Sorry for your loss and pain.
CJ: I too was totally out of touch with my father for over 30 years, and I have massive father issues. In fact, my father issues are like the black hole in the center of the Milky Way and all galaxies. I had a totally unepected opportunity to come to his rescue three years ago. (Had to travel to Paris to extricate him from a psychiatric hospital, after having been found wandering the streets without the ability to even identify himself. That is a very long story for another thread on another day.) My subsequent effort to address some issues that had plagued me for my entire adult life were stymied by his dementia. Talk about a "lost" opportunity!) I continue to work through intense father issues which are the source of so many of my deepest insecurities.
Greta: Absolutely agreed on mother-daughter bond. Just had that discussion with a friend yesterday about her relationships with her daughters.
I am working on a professional project that will keep me busy all day. I'm doing everything imaginable to avoid my responsibilities, and thought a post and prayer might settle me and help me to get focused, energized, and...hopefully, busy.
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Post by g on Jul 27, 2010 8:54:14 GMT -5
That is a very moving post Rick. You should be proud.
I didn't mean I wouldn't do what I had to. I've always been very strong in emergency situations. Fight or flight reflex again and 'fight' usually prevails. But I break down eventually.
What I was referring to is getting up and speaking in public when I'm very emotional.
I've taken part in one online meeting so far. I couldn't open my mouth apart from saying hello.
Another thing I wanted to say to Vee was that of course my r/s with my mother is far from perfect. She was a control freak. She still is to be honest and highly critical. She just can't hold her tongue. I used to be like that with my girls but have learned to stop myself from nagging so much and I try more often to praise them when praise is due. I like the new me better and the change is thanks to the last 9 mths and working the steps. G
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Post by serenity on Jul 27, 2010 10:42:08 GMT -5
Its lovely to see your support here guys, thank you from the bottom of my heart!
It gives me hope to hear you've been able to accept your mother for who she is. The point where i almost broke down completely was when i saw my friend turn to support her daughter who was distraught because her nana had died.
I felt i wasn't allowed to cry at my nana's funeral even though i was desperatly sad and my mother didn't shed a tear so i thought i had to be strong too. so so sad. want to cry now.
I feel quite vulnerable as i've made 2 amends to my ex's in my Coda programme this afternoon via email and i for one of them i dread their response as he has always tried to be 'friends' with me and he's very toxic to me. I am going to delete any response he sends as its not about him.
I'm wondering now that i'm making amends in coda if i will still have to make amends in slaa, does anyone have any experience with 2 different programmes?
Love aand blessing to you all xx
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Post by knowlove on Jul 27, 2010 17:01:29 GMT -5
Hi everyone, been away a few days with problems with my daughter and her sickness. She is having tests still and praying she will be ok. They are talking about doing an MRI of her brain and a spinal tap to see if the Lyme Disease has affected her central nervous system. She had a cat scan of her pelvic region and it was normal. The good news is my SIl does not have to go out on the boat. He was supposed to leave last Friday and they were going to send him today but they are once again allowing him to stay home till Sunday. I had my grandson for four days and am completely wiped out! CJ so sorry you wer eput in such a position! I agree with everyone here though tough as it seems, you have to deal with your recovery. It is not our job to rescue everyone (I have to tell myself this all too frequently!). Her family of course is worried but you are not her savior. You did what you could and this is not your problem anymore. I understand how it must pull at your heart strings for the children but again, she has family who can intervene if there is abuse. I pray HP gives you guidance and strength. HP is very good at helping us and showing us what to do. Serenity- so sorry for your loss. I hope HP gives you peace and shows you that HIS love is sufficient and can guide you to inner healing where your mother is concerned. I know the pain of having a difficult relationship with a mother who was not a good or caring mother. I've never told my mother how badly her neglect and selfishness has hurt me and caused so much pain and turned me into a "freak ." It is hard to see other daughters who have a "normal" mother and see the love they have for them. When I pick out a mother's day card or birthday card, it takes me forever because I cannot bring myself to buy the I love you, you've been so wonderful to me cards. It feels like such a big fat lie. Not sure about making amends in both programs. I am praying for everyone today.
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Post by g on Jul 28, 2010 1:48:02 GMT -5
Hi Knowlove, So glad to see you back posting considering all you've been going thru. You have been missed Big hug G
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Post by g on Jul 28, 2010 1:59:22 GMT -5
Have been fiddling around with the look of the board. some of you are already on 'hope4luvaddix' skin which is what you see before you log in. If you don't like it, go into 'modify profile' and select the skin you prefer. I applied it to some, then repented, but can't remember the original settings. G
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Post by serenity on Jul 28, 2010 4:18:47 GMT -5
(((((((((((((((((Huge big hug know love))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
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Post by serenity on Jul 28, 2010 6:39:39 GMT -5
I'm in a lot of anxiety today which has been brought on by making written amends to some of my ex's in my coda programme. I've sent them by email and have had responses to them all. I was going to delete the one from a very toxic relationship I had a for a few months but i decided to read it this morning and it was fine.
I have been slightly triggered by the response from my ex fiance as he told me how much he loved and still loves me even though he's moved on but it was really quite sweet and i'd like to think we could one day meet up and laugh together about things, thats what he hoped for and i wouldn't mind that maybe.
The one thats triggered me the most is my long term boyfriend from uni, i treated him very badly and made my apologies for this and he sent a really sweet response saying hiow much he loved our relationship and that he considers me a friend.
Its made me want to tell him we are friends but i don't know if this is a good idea.
I've just been on my work networking site and as i pay for the subscription on there which is called 'linked in' it tells me who has been looking at my profile.... Today its told me that my qualifier has been looking at my profile and its made me feel a bit sick. I know he has persued his ex's trying to getbthem back or to like him at the very least and its made my skin crawl to think he's looking at my profile. Thats why i cam eof Facebook.
I don'rt want to be self rightous as i know we all look at ex's profiles online these days at times and i have been working towards forgiving N and asking to have pity, patience and tolerence for him as i know he is sick. I know that God is close to me today and i have nothing to fear with him by my side. Keep my fear at bay Father God, I love you.
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Post by iwillsurvive on Jul 28, 2010 10:40:16 GMT -5
Serenity, I hope you are able to work through your triggers today and then restore to a place of peace. You are doing a lot of work and it sounds like your apology emails have touched the exes in your life as well. Have you identified what you are afraid of? Are you concerned that you might get caught up in another hurtful r/s with one of your exes? Do you feel solid in your determination not to go back? Giving your fear to God is a great move. Praying you will find safety and love in God's care.
Knowlove, glad you're getting a break. And it's really good to see you posting again. Your daughter's medical situation sounds very scary but glad her husband has been able to get off work. I'm praying for your daughter, you and your family. I understand the exhaustion after taking care of your grandson. I'm off today to my daughter's house to help with my grandson. Such pleasure to be with him but it does take a lot of energy.
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