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Post by knowlove on Sept 30, 2010 18:49:10 GMT -5
Day 1- is this considered my first day since I did speak with POA even though I now know I am done or is tomorrow really considered day 1? In any event I can tell you that being friends with your POA and caring about him makes it difficult to end the relationship even if you are nort in love with him/her. I decided I had to end it because he has turned into a militant vegan and refuses to respect my views and tries to make me feel bad about myself for my choices.
I have been down this road already where I was made to feel inferior. Uhn un. Never again. I know without a doubt I will have some tough times, sad feelings, feelings of wanting that contact and feelings of withdrawal. The thing is, I know this is a blessing in disguise and I did see this coming. I felt deep down two weeks ago that this would be the end. I feel really sad that the fun loving person I knew has changed but what I need to do is focus on me and my feelings, not his. His choices are not my problem and I need to do what is best for me. Honestly, neither of us said it was over nor did we discuss ending anything, including the friendship but the writing is on the wall and I cannot allow someone to make me feel bad about myself.
I know I am a really good, caring, loving person. I have many friends who love me and care about me. I am praying I will get through this with minimal pain. I am praying that God will help me through my feelings of sadness, feeling unloved, unimportant and not cared about. This is what usually causes me the most pain. feeling like I no longer matter. That is the toughest part for me. There will be no whining, no I am dying nor any anger at being replaced by chickens and cows. It is what it is and I know, in time, I will be so much happier not living a lie. Nights will be tough, long days will be much longer but I know I will get through this. I've done this before.
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Post by knowlove on Oct 1, 2010 10:03:51 GMT -5
Day 2 I didn't sleep well last night which I guess is understandable. I could have taken an Ambien but I do not want to have to rely on them to sleep. I have to get through this on my own. I prayed a lot last night, not just for help and getting through but for POA as well, for him to calm down and not lose all his friends.
Today I feel sad, angry and relieved all at once. I feel very sad that it has come to this, I feel hurt that he cannot accept me as I am and I feel angry that he has done this and made me to feel as if I do not matter at all. I know I am a good, caring, loving friend and I know he knows I have been a very good friend to him. What matters though, is me. My needs, my feelings. At some point it has to be about me and this is the time. So, I still feel ok, I am hanging in there, I am not distraught or in bad shape. I did shed a few tears for the friendship we had, the person he WAS before all this came about and the loss I feel. Only like a 2 minute cry.
I am determined to get through this and not contact him. I know this is absolutely the best thing for me and I will see it through because I know on the other side of this pain will be happiness, relief, love and respect for myself. That is important. I refuse to lose that!
So, for today, I am ok. I may not be jumping up and down but I am ok.
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Post by knowlove on Oct 2, 2010 2:49:05 GMT -5
POA contacted me in the mid afternoon, most likely because he didnt get his usual daily fix from me. I answered him briefly and SO GLAD because all it did was give me back control. The more I look and see the more I am turned off (yay!!!). Its like someone turned the shower from cold to OFF. Nothing he could say would change my mind. Nothing.
He never tried to portray himself as anything different. I wanted to hold onto my dream, my fantasy of what I WANTED him to be, because if we let go of that fantasy, then we have nothing. I feel good because I did not do the contacting and all it did (though Im sure he has no clue at all about it) was prove to me even more that I am 100%, no question, making the right decision (not that I doubted it for a minute).
I will be invisible for a while online now. He will know something is not right. It is hard for me to be harsh or angry or even say something that causes conflict so I need to avoid it for now. Eventually I will have to say something. Right now though I don't want to. I need to pull myself and my thoughts together. Do you know why on only day 2 I am doing so well? Yes because he contacted me so now I know he isn't avoiding me even though I was mad because it was obvious he was just looking for a quick fix and to know I was still "there" (all it did was piss me off) but also because I have come aways in my recovery. If this was 6 months ago? Forget it! I would be a mess.
I am where I am because I have learned SO MUCH about myself, my needs and what is best for me and I knew I had learned some but until now I didn't realize how much I have learned and how far I have come (although I have a long way still to go!). I can say recovery has helped me more than I even knew and I will continue on this long road because there is still much work to be done on loving myself, respecting myself and finding where that gaping hole lies and what good things can fill it. 3:48-not sleeping, having some thoughts, but overall I feel ok. Mourning the loss of the dream but feeling good I have control back in my life.
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Post by knowlove on Oct 2, 2010 22:32:31 GMT -5
I had probably the worst day Ive had in years. I wrestled last night about how to deal with ending the r/s. I decided that an email asking for no contact was best. If I just blocked him, I didnt know what he would do or how he would react and felt this was best. Oh no. It wasn't. He was LIVID. He sent back the most scathing, hurtful, angry email. He basically told me he only wanted sex and I wanted more out of the relationship and how awful I was when he tried to show me the Vegan video and I wouldn't even watch it before I was putting it down and how he isn't stupid.The R/S has been going down hill for two weeks and mainly because of a lot of miscommunication. Well, I didnt realize how much. Wow.
My trying to calm him down and explain my feelings and views on the Vegan issues, his getting angrier. It was ugly. He pretty much threatened to expose me to H. Horrific and I am still in shock. Its like your damned if you do and damned if you don't. I figured he'd love an easy way out since it was pretty obvious he wasn't really interested. Bad, really really bad reaction. I was so shocked! G has explained his ego was hurt and boy did he show it. Lots of anger and hostility! I have never seen that in him and I realize now it is from hurt feelings and feeling rejected. He never expressed these feelings to me yet he states he wanted nothing more really than sex. if that is true then why are you so upset??? I finally asked where it was coming from and he puts out this email about how he was so passionate about the Vegan thing and I tried to discredit him and I took him down a peg and he was just trying to show me something he really cared about and that I basically dismissed it. Oh my God! His feelings were hurt! When we had these discussions he never once told me this but I do see how he felt that way I admit this. I will own it. So to save myself from any fall out (I think he was talking in anger, at least I hope so) Ive tried to appease him by explaining why I did and said the things I did, why I felt ending it was a good idea. I am praying this will be ok and we can part without him being angry. Wow.
G says its like a child and I agree. Mummy wasnt happy so the child pulls a hissy. I am learning something new all the time. Here I felt ignoring him and blocking him might upset him and my email was explosive to him. He must feel rejected. Well what the hell else should I have done? If I ignored his second email would it have been better? I was just trying to do the right thing! How do you end it without hard feelings? Either way he'd be upset. I dont know the answers but what I do know is this has been the day from HE double toothpicks. I am beyond exhausted mentally and afraid he could do something vindictive. I pray he has calmed down. I have never ever had to deal with this. Scary. Yup, great vacation! Ugh. I did this to myself. I have to lie in the bed I made. I cannot believe this day happened. can I do it over please? he obviously has some deep rooted issues of his own. I just want to get out of this ASAP.
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Post by knowlove on Oct 3, 2010 10:15:13 GMT -5
day 4.-I took a Tylenol Pm to get some sleep. Luckily I did sleep most of the night although woke up a few times. I feel very drained and closed off. My walls are high and I am numb. I feel sad, angry, hurt, but little feelings of knowing I will be ok soon enough. That even though, right now, if feels really shitty, that down the road, I will start living my life in freedom with no more struggle about POA or living my life for POA or having it about him. I will have to find that missing piece within me that these POA's and fantasies fill. Not an easy task at all. I'm not sure even how to find that. I have had a very upset tummy and know I will be losing weight because of it. One part of me wants to stay in bed and hide under the covers for days. Another stronger side says get out and do something.
I am going to my friend's house this afternoon to see her and a couple from back home visiting the area so that should be fun. Ive been swimming to keep up my energy and strength. I've also been praying a lot for some peace and some hope.
Going through this I also see how some friends are caring and thoughtful and others are so consumed by their own lives that they are not able to be there for me. That I need to talk and be cared for, that I need support and love but they can only see their problems and their lives which is human nature. They talk about themselves and barely let me say how I am feeling, how I am scared, how I am feeling empty and depleted. No one wants to hear another person's problems I guess because it is true. Everyone has their own and some people just dont want to hear it. One friend isn't even asking how I am and says she always knew he was like that. Really? Funny that you introduced us and never said a word about it to me!
I have not heard another word from POA. In a way I wish I would so I know the anger has subsided and do not feel retribution. On the other hand I want to just move on as quickly as possible. I feel like I am in a nightmare I need to be woken up from. I pray with time, this all goes away and I can live my life again. There will be scars, there always is. I am taking away with me a lesson in life. I have learned how dangerous and hurtful an A can be to so many people. It is never worth the cost, ever. I pray this ends peacefully and that God helps us both. I do not harbor anger towards POA. He is human, he feels rejected and hurt I am sure. I am not dwelling on his feelings, just acknowledging them. It is already day 4 so time is moving forward. I want to look back on this someday and thank God for the lesson and that there were no more casualties. I am trying to keep myself positive as best I can in this situation as it is and be thankful for all God has given me. I am very blessed in many ways.
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Post by knowlove on Oct 3, 2010 20:50:50 GMT -5
I have made a promise to myself to: no longer look at facebook (he has it all set to private now anyway) and will no longer check to see if he is invisible on IM. Doesnt seem like much but it is! Went to my friend's tonight and visited with another couple. Had a margarita and was chatting away. Before I knew it over an hour had gone by (if not much more) and I had not thought of POA! I was really surprised myself but it made me happy because I realized its slowly getting better already. I am not thinking of him 24/7. Even if its 22/7 its still better than 24. I feel relief because I feel I said what I had to say so do not feel guilty about anything I said or did to him. I've done my part to calm him down and now I can move on with my life. I pray there are no consequences from back home. Happy to be free. Not one second am I regretting my decision or wanting him back. I know that will not change in the coming days. When I am done and my mind is made up, that is it. When the last straw is broken, that is that.
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Post by knowlove on Oct 4, 2010 14:34:59 GMT -5
day 5-wow days go by quick but it doesnt feel like it to me in the long scheme of things. Seems like this happened yesterday.
I slept fairly well thanks to my good buddy Tylenol PM. I got a call from my friend at 8:30 and we decided to go do some shopping. Got done around noon and then went to her house for sandwiches and then the couple from back home came over and we went to look at a few houses with them. I had done fairly well. Thought of the situation on and off but felt good being out and away from the house. I at least have people to keep my mind going.
Had a little deja vu when we went to look at a house in his neighborhood. Wasn't too bad though. I came home and started thinking about him as I walked in the door. Thought about the time she was here, the memories of fun. I quickly stopped myself and reminded myself that it was really what I wanted to believe was him, the fantasy I had in my mind, not the real him. I am focusing on how he hurt me and made me feel rejected and like I dont matter. I am choosing to focus on that to stop the "good" memories from pouring in. They aren't real.
I realize I do not miss the waiting around, hoping for contact. I can go out and have a life. not worry if I am going to miss any time on the computer with him. I feel like I am going to have a much better life, more full, more fun, more freedom.
I sent my H an email card about loving him. I know he thinks the world of me and loves me so much. he would be completely devastated to find out I had cheated (again for the 4th time). he has caught me three times. Why he took me back last time is because he loved me enough and i think knew he had hurt me in the past. But there is no way he would accept this. I basically became a serial cheater. Every three years or so, like clockwork. Not sure why the three year mark but that was the start of the feeling the need, wanting attention from another.
I dont want there to be a 5th. I want this to be it! I want to stop this ludicrous behavior once and for all and heal whatever is broken inside. Nothing good comes out of an A. I just keep praying POA will walk away and not do something harmful to me.
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Post by knowlove on Oct 4, 2010 20:31:44 GMT -5
day 5-night. I did well all day, kept very busy with friends and had my nap. Friend called again asked me to come over for dinner. I saw POA on the road driving. I know he saw me as well. The minute I saw his jeep (which was completely open with no top on) I felt scared. I didn't feel sad at the time seeing him, I felt I didnt want HIM to see ME. Not sure what that means.
Luckily I had my sunglasses on and dont think I really turned my head. Felt weird, trying to avoid him instead of a wave but not really any sadness or hurt was there. Guess that is a good sign.
POA lives only a mile from me so seeing him around will be inevitable. Nothing I can do but deal with it best I can.
Taking my Tylenol Pm helps me at night to sleep and my dreams dont seem to be about him. Find that strange. Not that I remember anyway. Tonight when I came in the door though and started up my computer, I did feel some anger wash over me and called him an azzhole. So, there is some underlying feelings of hurt still there no question. I will have to work through all that. Hope I find that easy to do (find the source of the anger I mean).
Today I started thinking of what I am thankful for, even in the midst of all of this. I want to list a few things here: ~I have God in my life ~My husband and family ~my LA friends who are so supportive and love me for me! ~my other friends who are good to me and check up on me to see if I am ok ~thanking God I was able to end this ~thanking God I am doing as well as I am ~health and food on my table ~strength to deal with this and staying strong ~thankful I was able to stick up for myself and know I deserved so much better ~learning a lesson in life Those are the things I am thankful for tonight.
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Post by knowlove on Oct 5, 2010 5:43:38 GMT -5
early day 6. Had dreams last night all bad but none of POA that I remember. One was a dream that my SIL was angry with my H for the way he runs the business and I was so angry! I vehemently argued with her about him and was standing up for him. Then at the end he walked out, got in this sports car that wasnt our that a valet brought up and he got in the passenger seat. I asked what he was doing and he said he was out of there and he was smoking a cigarette and he never smokes. There were people with him but I cannot remember who but it was obvious he was leaving me there.
I see some correlation in this dream though about POA. 1) husband was rejecting me after I had stuck up for him 2) he was doing something I didnt know him to fo ie: not the man I knew 3) was protective of him 5) extreme anger felt in my dream
So, even though POA was not in the dream, my subconscious is well aware what is going through my brain and what I am feeling emotionally.
I try to keep the feelings at bay but I fear this is what got me here in the first place, denying my feelings about anything that hurt. it all got put away so I didnt have to deal with it. So, is putting the feelings away good or bad. I dont WANT to think of POA or how I might feel because I want it over with. Yet if I dont try to feel them maybe that isnt good either. Not sure. Do know there is hurt and anger below the surface.
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Post by knowlove on Oct 5, 2010 14:27:05 GMT -5
day 6 mid afternoon- realizing more and more if I give in to feelings of sadness I give in to what he would want. I can feel the addictive feelings try to worm their way in but I am fighting them! I do wonder if it is best to deal with them or not acknowledge them at all. With time will I get over him and not feel them anymore?Is it possible to push away the addictive feelings, take charge of them and not feel pain if you do not allow it and it will simply go away with time? That is what I am hoping for.
I am choosing to be so thankful for all the wonderful caring friends i have who are so good to me and are there for me. Knowing that the closer I get to God, the better I will get and I know HE is always there for me.
Going out to dinner with the couple from home tonight so it will be good to get out. Have been in bed most of the day but due to tiredness not sadness. Going to take a swim and exercise before I go out.
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Post by knowlove on Oct 6, 2010 10:06:38 GMT -5
Wow day 7 already- Time flies. Feeling much better this morning. Feel like the sad feelings are slowly dissipating and I am going to be ok. Getting out with friends, telling myself that the person I might miss does not exist and swimming all have helped me to stay sane and get through these days so much easier. Not staying in bed and thinking or fantasizing. My brain wont even fantasize anymore which is odd because that is all it has done although I do have reprieve when not in a relationship with another man.
Praying that this is a good sign and I will not have a fall back. I leave for another part of the state for several days with a friend to a nice hotel right in the beach with great shopping so plan on reading by the pool, shopping and enjoying myself. Will be nice to not be so close to where POA is so no chance of seeing him on the road. Betetr not to have to even see him at all, not even his jeep and since the place of employment closed I do not have to see his jeep at his work which I go by all the time. Makes my life a bit easier since all it would be is a constant reminder.
I have had no desire to stalk online which is huge for me. I actually feel more empowered by not doing this and makes me stronger.
Hope these good feelings continue. I do not want to crash one day without warning.
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Post by knowlove on Oct 6, 2010 15:05:01 GMT -5
day 7 late afternoon-but only day 4 from my email- very tired and needing a nap. Finding all of this is definitely emotionally draining but sticking to NC and no online stalking which I am proud of. Do think of him from time to time and think of the person I liked but not crying, not heart broken so am very thankful for that. I did look over my emails from him and to him and it actually made me feel better because no matter what, I know I sent him a truthful, honest email saying how I cared but also telling him I did not do anything like he says I did and made sure to validate his feelings yet not take responsibility for everything he thinks I did. I can walk away feeling good about that.
Leaving tomorrow for a few days and cannot wait for that. God, I just want this nightmare to be over. I decided I am not taking my computer to get some time away. Just in case I get some crazy urge if I drink or anything, not that I think it would happen. A small part of me, my ego, wishes he would contact but I realize it would do me no good and do more damage than anything. I hate this part of a break up the most. It is a necessary evil. I know, weeks from now, I'll be even better but it will take a very long time to erase him from my thoughts where it is not a daily thought anymore. I guess I can thank God it isn't hourly either, but its close.
I hate being at odds with anyone. It's not in my nature and it sure cured me of thinking about any men! UGH. I do not ever ever want to do this or go through anything like this again. Recovery is my one and only goal now.
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Post by knowlove on Oct 7, 2010 5:59:28 GMT -5
day 8,my decision-day 5 NC, I feel ok this morning, not feeling much different from last few days. Not moving ahead but not moving backward at all either. I am in this constant state of reflection. I am reflecting on many things in my past but also on the men Ive chosen, the need for their attention but mostly I realize I desperately need their approval.
Looking back I do whatever I have to to get it. I want them to keep coming back and feel if I dont talk sexually, dont give them things then deep down I am afraid they will leave me for being bored or not interested. What this really is is that old fear of abandonment. I do things to keep them so they wont leave. I need to look into this and sure, i know where it stems from but that doesnt help me really stop it. I want to learn how to deal with those feelings and not act up on fear all the time. What a terrible way to live.
I also realize that deep down it must mean I do not feel very much about myself. It seems odd to me because outwardly I feel pretty good about myself. I know I am a good, caring, loving considerate person. I have no doubt about that. So I do not understand why I feel this way with men and also I have done this with certain friends in the past. Well Ive got a lot to work on here. Hopefully I can learn to become whole and stop this erratic destruction.
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Post by knowlove on Oct 10, 2010 12:14:21 GMT -5
Ive lost track of what day I am on but think it is day 8 of N/C. I had a good few days of relaxing and keeping my mind busy. I had moments where I thought of POA, especially at night when I had nothing to occupy my mind or when I heard a certain song or saw something that reminded me of him. I feel I am doing pretty well considering although today I am missing him. I know its not the "real" him but I am finding myself with the hole inside. The hole his attention and contact filled. I know I am having just a moment but I want it all to just go away now. Ridiculous it has only been a week and I miss the contact, what I felt fed my addiction. I am trying to find other things to replace that and will find more as time goes by. I have my sad moments and am sad for what never was, what I wanted to believe. I realize, without a doubt, that this was the best possible thing that could have happened for me. I made the decision, I chose to end it. Any other way Id be a hurting girl right now for sure. Keep praying this will go away with no repercussions. Pretty sure he will not do anything more and not afraid of vindictiveness. Hoping he is going to go away and let me get on with my life (although sure a small part of me wishes he'd contact to give me peace of mind but I realize that is normal and dont feed into it).
Poa showed time and again it was all about him but I didnt want to accept that. Now it is very clear to me and hurtful to me how men can easily be with someone and walk away without a single feeling. I've never understood that. I think that is what bothers me most, that old feeling of abandonment, one I am very used to and very afraid of. It happens over and over and over and the cycle finally needs to break. I keep looking to change the outcome and it never changes. It's not going to change what happened in my past. That is done. Don't know why I cannot break free of these chains. Praying these next few weeks go by without too much hurt.
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Post by knowlove on Oct 11, 2010 4:50:40 GMT -5
Day 9- Feels like the days are just dragging by. Yesterday was a day where I felt I missed the contact, the high of it all. No matter how much I realize he wasn't what I thought, it doesn't take away the addict's need. I've read more material on taking control of my life. I need to do that but need to find what makes me happy. Right now I have no idea what that is. I wonder if asked how many people could answer that? I'm not talking family and friends kind of answer. I mean what really truly makes you happy? Is there anything that you do that inspires you, makes you feel complete? Happiness comes from within. So, where is mine? I'm not sure and maybe that has been my problem. I am so busy trying to make everyone else happy that I forgot to take care of my own. I dont even know how to find it.
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