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Post by primrose on Dec 8, 2010 16:53:48 GMT -5
Good luck with the baseball bat! It is mad to want something self-destructive. Sometimes I am amazed at how much I want failure and misery in my life rather than success and happiness. Bizarre!
I have been v lucky with my husband, but as you can see from my posts it is mostly my relationships with women that usually hurt me the most, and cause me most confusion. For all my father's faults, he was much easier to love than my mother. I always knew my father respected my intelligence and encouraged my creativity. So I had some good things from him, and I think that's reflected in my relationships with men. Even with my POA I expected him to find me good company, and he did. With women I am much less at ease.
And my lovely husband, well he was a beautiful kind and gentle boy when I met him, but we were both completely useless at communicating and struggled with sex for years. We really needed relationship therapy, both of us. I think we're both lucky that we were willing to work together. And my husband wasn't that willing. Our 20s were pretty miserable. He was lovely at 24 but for sure he's a lot lovelier now!
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Post by knowlove on Dec 10, 2010 21:44:22 GMT -5
The self destruction keeps us going. I think what Prim is saying is that if everything is hunky dory and fine we cant handle that. there has to be some type of drama for us to chase. That is what the addict craves, not just attention. When I felt POA was"there" which wasn't often, I didn't care and you may remember Prim, I was put off a bit. While I do want to be loved and cared for, I don't want someone who is there all the time and too into me because then I feel suffocated. It's like I can't win. If he runs I chase and want him more and feel neglected and abandoned, if he is too into me, I feel claustrophobic and start to feel put out. Even though it sounds crazy (of course it is!), I crave the chase and the need for attention but chose men who will not give it to me fully. I am not sure why but know it is not by mistake that these were the types I chose to have A's with.
I think about ex-poa but for the most part am over him and am glad it is done. I know there will be moments. It hasnt been long enough to be "over"him but I know I am doing much better than before. I hope this good feeling continues. It has only been since the beginning of October and I've had two fishing attempts. I need a good year under my belt to feel even slightly safe!
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Post by primrose on Dec 11, 2010 10:28:10 GMT -5
Think that's a perfect description of the pattern KL. It's wonderful that you're moving on from your POA, yippee!
I have exactly the same pattern. My mother was too intrusive and overwhelming when she did pay me attention, and the rest of the time neglected me. A perfect way to make an ambivalent love addict/avoidant. Thanks mum!
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Post by knowlove on Dec 14, 2010 21:11:05 GMT -5
Yes Prim, exactly! My mother was needy and wanted us when it suited her! Other times she threw things at us to keep us occupied so we wouldn't bother her. I cannot say I doubted she loved me, it was just her selfishness and need for attention from everyone that always came first, so if someone else was around we got shoved to the side.
I am learning so much in therapy. It really has been very eye opening and helpful than nay other therapy I have ever had! I am learning so many things about the way I think, not just about others but myself, how I cope with issues, dealing with boundaries. I am really enjoying my sessions and it is bringing out so many hidden issues. So far, I have not had anything horrific surface but things that plagued me without me necessarily being aware of how much. I am sure as time goes by more will be coming forth re: my childhood and some has, but so far all has been extremely interesting. Barely thinking of ex-ap and learning he mans to me what I mean to him-NOTHING. I wasted time but realize it has all brought me to where I am now so for that I am very thankful. I cannot say there weren't times I was glad to be with him because I was, if even sexually. I'll take what I can from it and move on.
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Post by knowlove on Jan 14, 2011 11:42:04 GMT -5
Things are much better for me now. The fog has completely lifted, I love my therapist and am finding for once in my life I have a therapist who can clearly see what the issues are and is helping me deal with them and help me not feel powerless over them. I still think of ex-ap but not as much and not with longing. I feel as the more I do and learn in T them ore he will fade from my thinking. That is what I am hoping for. I only have two and a half weeks left till I leave and praying my time at vacation home does not center around thoughts of ex-ap. I want the memories to fade and be replaced with happier memories. I need to work more on letting go of the past and focusing on my present and future. T is helping me to learn how to take care of myself and deal with H and his neediness. I am finding my reasons for running to other men was to escape my feelings of suffocation brought on by H's neediness and lack of security along with bad sex. Am praying as t continues that all gets better and I find myself closer to H than ever. realizing that who you have for a counselor, if they cannot get to the real problems, it will never get resolved. it is why I have continued pursuing A's because even though we went to MC, the real issues were never tackled and fixed. I feel so blessed to have such a good t who is very good at seeing things clearly and can cut through all the other stuff and see the meat of the problem.
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Post by knowlove on Feb 11, 2011 16:58:17 GMT -5
I have been at my vacation home for two weeks and have done very well with H. He left yesterday and I already miss him. I have a friend here from South Carolina. She too had an affair so she knows what I am going through as she ended hers about the same time I ended mine. I saw ex-ap today on the road. I knew I would eventually. It was inevitable. I could feel a bit of a wall close off at first. Whatever was there I didn't want to see. Then I knew it had affected me. I could feel the uneasiness. The sadness and hurt were there. Not bad and not overwhelming. I am doing ok but know I still have things to uncover and further work to do. My T asked me how this time is different from the last time I came here. Well, the last time I was SO excited. I was thinking about him 24/7. I couldnt WAIT to be with him and see him but of course that never happened. it all came to a bad end that visit. This time I didnt feel excited about seeing him or even want to. I prayed I could come down and make new memories.............and I have. I've started those. I am waiting for the time when the door will be closed on the old hurt and pain. The pain of rejection, abandonment that I feel so often. I take everything very personal. My friend thinks I still seek validation. I want to mean something to someone. I want to feel like I matter, like I am important. Still much to go over with my T but this is good. I am making new break throughs and realizations. I will use this to help me not hinder me. I am ok and I am not obsessing or fantasizing. All good in spite of the feelings coming through. I can tell I am much stronger and in a much better place than just three months ago. I cant imagine ever being 100% recovered. I'll never be perfect and happy 24/7. I feel like this ia journey I am on, a journey that wont ever end, there will never be full resolution, just maybe some answers and new ways to cope and deal with issues. I look forward to growing and learning more.
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Post by knowlove on Feb 13, 2011 15:26:16 GMT -5
Early today I was online and ex- POA immed me. My friend was sitting right here and so I said hello to him. We talked about his job, restaurants in the area and my business back home. Some of it was amusing a she was challenging me on something I said about my business (like I wouldn't know!). Anyway, it was a good conversation in that: 1)absolutely nothing at all even slightly sexual was said 2)it was friendly and polite 3) I ended it when I felt it was time 4) I held my boundaries and feel really good about that. I felt no need to ask when he was available, if he wanted to come over or anything close to that. Months ago, Id be asking and desperate for when I was going to see him.
And it feels good NOT to want to ask or wonder. I am not wondering why he doesn't say anything sexual. I am glad because at this point it would be uncomfortable for me. I cannot say it didn't make me think a bit about him as a person but I didn't obsess or analyze anything (that is HUGE for me). So, wow! I feel really good about my progress in this. I never thought Id see the day where he didnt affect me. Where his acknowledgment of my mere existence wouldn't send me fantasizing for hours on end. His crumbs would feed me for days. I am SO glad to not be there anymore. It felt like my own personal hell, one I would never be able to get away from because of the addiction. I can see clearer now, how everything was, how the non relationship worked and how I allowed all of it. Now I can decide what I want and dont want, will allow and not allow. I feel like I actually have some control over my decisions. NOT my feeling however, but what I will do or not do. Feels ok. Im doing good.
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Post by knowlove on Mar 26, 2011 23:12:52 GMT -5
It has been over a month since my last post. Things have been going pretty well with my ability to talk every once in awhile to ex-ap. I have learned a lot as well about myself and my reason/issues that lead me to seek another person outside my marriage. When talking with my therapist, I realize I am fine with H and love him but the minute I feel any intimacy, I feel anxious. I am not sure why, at times, my H will kiss me passionately and all I feel is YUCK. I actually feel this scared feeling if I know he wants to be intimate. I do not know where this is coming from but so glad I am really thinking about things and looking at how I am feeling and at what times. I realize I still have resentment and anger towards H for all that has happened even though I try so hard to forgive and move on. Why can't I just let it go??? I find this with my mother as well.
I understand WHY it hurts but not sure why I cannot just let it go. It is so much work to investigate your feelings and try and find the answers. They do not come easily and i fear there is so much more going on inside me. I wonder if I will ever get to the real bottom of things and heal my inner pain that I know is there.
Right now my major accomplishment is finally realizing that ex-poa wasn't the way he was on purpose and he didn't do it to be mean. it is just how he is. I have learned to no longer take offense, obsess, worry or make a big deal if I do not hear from him. I now realize he is this way and it has NOTHING to do with me. I have moved to a place where I no longer worry or think 24/7 about him. I am happy to hear from him as I care about him as a person but no longer feel addicted. YAY me. I feel this is HUGE for someone who has LA. Making major strides, more than I ever have in my life!
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