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Post by knowlove on Oct 11, 2010 20:45:38 GMT -5
Day 9-night
I was sitting here thinking about how many hours I wasted waiting for him to come online, hoping he would come on and talk to me. I cannot even gauge the hours. I was wondering how many invitations I turned down so I could just sit and wait for my crumbs. How many moments I missed with my kids or grandson so I could get a two minute conversation (if I was lucky). How much of my life did I lose since all my hours were spent either thinking of him, waiting for him or fantasizing? My days weren't lived, they flew by, they melted one day into the next because I wasn't living at all.
This last week, I started living again, even though in withdrawal. I go out, I go places, I spent time with my friend, I shut my computer off and do not expect to get a little crumb anymore. I wont get high off a hello.
I am now going to do more and not waste my life waiting around for someone who didn't give a rats ass about me or my feelings. I am determined to come out of this better, stronger and smarter.
he can have his cows and chickens and I hope they make him very happy. Yes down the road I hope he thinks back on me and knows what a good friend he lost. I still do have my ego.
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Post by knowlove on Oct 12, 2010 16:09:32 GMT -5
Day 10-
Today I feel like I am over the hump. I feel good. I prayed a lot last night and some amazing things came into my mind. I realized how lucky and blessed I am to be done with my A.
I realized-
*I asked God for an out and He showed me the way. He listened and answered my prayers.
*I took a stand and took back my dignity and said enough. I finally stood up for myself.
*I made the decision and that make sit easier on me as I did not get heartbroken.
*I showed POA he is not "all that."
*I am very very thankful this did not come out and hurt my entire family.
* I am blessed to have my life back! I can actually live my life and not just pass the days waiting for POA to contact.
Today I got a lot of things done and barely thought of him. I can say, without a doubt, it was the best decision I have made in a very long time.
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Post by knowlove on Oct 12, 2010 21:39:01 GMT -5
Day 10 night-
I was bad. I started thinking about him tonight and not sure why when I was so good all day and felt great. I cyber stalked. I am so mad at myself for even looking. How does it make me feel? Pathetic! Like a weak loser. How is it that I can be so strong and feel so incredible and then for some reason, tonight, I sit here thinking of him. Maybe because this was when we usually talked.............or I waited most likely. Either way, I know all I have to do is pray. keep praying, keep moving forward and dont give in. I have no temptation to contact him at all. I do not in anyway regret what I did nor wish I was still with him.
I have to learn to fill this empty time with other things that is all..........and I will. I took back my dignity and Im not about to throw it away that is for sure.
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Post by knowlove on Oct 13, 2010 11:11:42 GMT -5
Day 11-
Had a really nice talk with H this morning. Am looking forward to seeing him. Even though I had dreams and much awakening during the night I am doing ok. Nighttime is the worst for me and I need to find something else to keep me occupied. Once company comes I am golden.
Needing more than ever to find better things to fill my time and the big void inside me. Will continue working on that and reflecting on my past.
I realize i used sex as a drug. I felt if I had sex, it would keep him. Well duh! Of course it will! What guy isnt going to want free sex with no strings? But I felt in charge and powerful. Why is that? Something I have to research as well. Wish the answers were much easier to come by.
Whether the person I wanted him to be did or did not exist, it doesn't change the fact that I genuinely liked and cared about him. I can try and not think about that person, tell myself he isn't real but my inner child still misses him and my inner child still hurts.
Being an addict and obsessive of course I wonder what he is thinking right now. Does he miss me? Does he care? Or is he happy to be free and not thinking about me at all? No one wants to be treated like they do not matter. No one wants to feel like they are a piece of garbage thrown to the side of the road without a look back. We all want to be loved and cared about. I know, in time, these feelings will fade, but I am not going to pretend I do not care if he thinks about me. I know recovery is focusing on ME not him but only a week and a half out and I think I am doing pretty darn well. The rest of this stuff will fade but denying the feelings could possibly explode if I am not careful.
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Post by knowlove on Oct 13, 2010 23:53:02 GMT -5
Day 11 night-
Contacted a BCT center near me by email and asked a few questions. Hoping they get back to me.
Between issues unresolved with my parents and H cheating, issues with my own infidelity I think it's a good time to try T again. Have never had a really successful one but didn't know I was an LA either.
Hoping much can be accomplished this time around with my own recovery work and help from some therapy. I thought most of my resentment was gone but I am finding every time my mother does something the old anger gets stirred up. I need to learn how to protect myself from future hurt and learn how to deal with many issues. Hoping I am taking steps in the right direction. Afraid of running into POA and not knowing how to react. Wish we had parted on better terms if only for that reason alone.
I do not deal well with people who are not happy with me. Insecurity at best.
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Post by knowlove on Oct 14, 2010 10:56:32 GMT -5
I think I am on day 12 now. Cant even remember. My brain hurts i know that.
Stayed up last night till 2am on computer was wide awake. Finally went to bed and slept a good 6 hours with very little awake time so that was a plus. Getting out, finding things to do as much as possible so I have less time to think. That helps me the most. Wish I could enjoy my time instead of wishing it to go by so I can be more ahead in the withdrawals.
Mostly bored more than anything else. Once company comes I'll be wishing for boredom!
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Post by knowlove on Oct 14, 2010 16:59:19 GMT -5
Let's see. Today sucked but its getting better. I really really need to get into therapy.
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Post by knowlove on Oct 15, 2010 9:33:41 GMT -5
day 13- is 13 the magic number?
I woke up feeling much better today thanks to a male friend's perspective. Showed me a side of POA I couldn't have seen for myself.
The male perspective changed my thoughts dramatically.
I now see him for what he really is and what our r/s was. Nothing. Nothing to him but a fun way to have free sex and give nothing in return. I took his crumbs gladly and he was happy with that. Why wouldn't any guy be? I was sitting here always ready when HE felt like it on HIS time.
I realize I never really mattered. I was his option. I only mattered when he felt like being with me and for sex only. The friendship was just an illusion in my mind. I WANTED it be that. I WANTED to believe he cared................but wanting and the truth are two very different things. I realize the entire year and a half was nothing like I fantasized. It was strictly about what he wanted and was willing to give -nothing.
I was shown what a self centered, selfish, immature little boy he is and how he behaves when things do not go the way he wants. I look at this with fresh new eyes and I see how badly I didn't want to accept what was staring me in the face. I knew deep down, I had questioned him several times because I KNEW but I was not ready to accept that he could be that way. If I accepted it, it meant my fantasy wasn't real, and if my fantasy wasn't real, that meant I had to break it off because there is no way I could be with someone who was using me.
It is easier to tell myself he really cared than to see how he was. All for himself with no a shred of care or concern for me or my feelings.
I see how he pushed and demanded I see what he wanted as a new vegan. How he could not and would not accept my views or opinions. How he turned it around when I broke it off and said I was taking him down a peg, that I was saying his views were wrong. All a lie and he knows this. All manipulation to make me feel bad. And I did. It worked. I felt terrible. He's good at what he does. he knows exactly how to word things without having to lie to say something he doesn't mean.
Breaking it off was the best thing I could have done for myself. I am more determined than ever to not contact him and to seek help so this NEVER happens again. I am tied of allowing people to use me while I chase ghosts that will not change my history. It is my history and I need to learn to deal with it and accept it. Chasing men to make me feel validated and like I matter because I didn't feel like I did in childhood and I am realizing I don't in adult hood either.
How sad is that?
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Post by knowlove on Oct 15, 2010 17:28:22 GMT -5
night-13
feeling bothered and hurt to know POA never gave a sh*t about me. Little girl is hurting from that slap to know we meant absolutely nothing.
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Post by knowlove on Oct 16, 2010 14:17:59 GMT -5
Day 14-
doing pretty well today. Having my up and down moments on the roller coaster but going with it knowing it will get better. Am happy I have company coming soon as it will keep my mind occupied. Just wish it was more fun company. Anytime I get a thought to contact POA (and it is just a thought), I put it out of my mind because I know nothing good will ever come from it. I want to rewrite it and I cant. What happened, happened and nothing will change it. I cannot change him and I cannot make him what he isn't. So, I keep on going, keep moving forward, waiting for these feelings to lessen.
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Post by knowlove on Oct 16, 2010 21:23:38 GMT -5
day 14 night- Cannot believe it has been 2 weeks already. Time is flying by. The saddest part for me, the thing that hurts the most, and I've probably written it a hundred times, is feeling like I am nothing, like I do not matter, as if I never existed. How does a human being do that? I do not know this for sure, but from his actions or lack there of I can only deduce that what I thought was a friendship was nothing more than free sex for him.
I know without a doubt, he is losing far more than I ever could. I know I was a very good friend and I know he knows it too. The withdrawals are always hard, your feelings are all over the place and can change hourly. You don't have to be a love addict to hurt from a break up.
I have found it easiest to tell myself every morning 'do not contact him, just for today. No matter how"bad" you feel, do not contact him today." This way it doesn't seem so hard and every day I get through without contacting. And every day I do not contact, I feel good about myself. I have still kept my self respect because I did not give in.
Sure it hurts my feelings he hasn't tried to contact me. I am human, I do have feelings. Everyone wants to feel like they matter. I wish life didn't have to be so darn hard but when you play in an A? It is never easy and it never ends good. Never.
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Post by knowlove on Oct 17, 2010 12:25:24 GMT -5
day 15-hardest day yet. Did get out with a friend but it is really hitting me hard. In my head I know it is the best thing I could have done but I am feeling so empty and hurt and sad. I knew this would come but was hoping it wouldn't be too bad. Nothing I can't handle but it sucks.
I sit here and wonder how long is this going to go on for? I hate this. I pray therapy helps me. I know there are major issues going on and I need to work through them. I'll never get better if I dont.
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Post by knowlove on Oct 17, 2010 22:21:27 GMT -5
Night 15-
Had a long nap, went to dinner with my parents which surprisingly went well. Felt much better afterwards and seem ok for tonight. Don't know why the feelings of the roller coaster are shocking me. I knew this was going to happen although I think deep down I was trying to put up a brave front and stay positive. In order to move on you have to feel the feelings and go with them. Denying them will only make them last longer and prolong recovery. At this rate I should be in recovery by the year 2020.
I have a lot to do tomorrow so will be busy. Hoping I feel better tomorrow than I did today. I never know how I am going to feel when I wake up.
Almost looking forward to therapy. Will be walking in with a lot of notes and articles to discuss. Hoping, for once, I can get the help I need and lick this thing and find what I have been hding from for years.
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Post by knowlove on Oct 18, 2010 14:56:07 GMT -5
day 16-ups and down again today. Wishing it could be different, wishing it didn't end like it did, but at the same time know it had to to keep my dignity and self respect. Just hate that it was that way but that is because of HIM. So angry at POA that he has to be such an azzhole and couldn't be normal and has to be such a self righteous, selfish, uncaring bastard. Why did I continue with him knowing he was this way. Why did I practically throw myself at him and fee like I had to buy his affection? Pretty damn sad.
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Post by knowlove on Oct 18, 2010 19:48:03 GMT -5
night 16-
They say that the feeling of wanting contact is driven by fear. Am thinking to myself that it is also what drives me to seek the A, fear of looking in the mirror and facing something I do not wish to face. definitely something to it.
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