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Post by knowlove on Oct 19, 2010 12:39:29 GMT -5
day 17- woke up with renewed feelings of hope. Got my appointment for therapy and am so praying this will help me unlock the issues that have been hiding for so long. I feel like I've got a lot more information on myself and my issues than I ever have. At least I see things I didnt before. 1) I am a LA
2) I am insecure and look to keep changing my past by finding a man who will love me and accept me and treat me like I matter and am important to them. One who will never hurt or abandon me. Of course in my head I know all this will never happen, but my heart keeps seeking it out. I will continue searching with negative results because A's are all about a lie and hurt and fear and feeling bad. I will never find that as long as I search and all it will do is continue to crush my ego and my feelings. each time Ive searched and each time I've been hurt and let down is another blow to deal with, another A finished and another withdrawal from pain.
3) I have past resentment and anger for both my parents for the way I was raised
4) I have past resentment for my H's infidelity and subsequent letting me down and not being the husband and man I thought he was (never hurting me ever).
5)I have years of using fantasy about boys/men to cope with the reality of my life. I have done this for so many years, it is all my brain knows. Spending countless hours and days fantasizing away, not really living.
6) I do not believe I have ever faced or coped with any issues that were painful to me. I believe I put them away and have never fully accepted them or dealt with them.
7) realize I love H very much but have issues with intimacy with him. Want sex but not the kissing and closeness. Not sure when these feelings began.
These are some of the things I have learned since coming to LA. I feel I have come a LONG way since I started as before I came here, I had no idea why I was doing what I was except knowing I was escaping. I plan on bringing this list, along with some other things to my therapy session, hoping it will give my therapist a huge look into my life as it has been. Feeling optimistic and really looking forward to seeing H tomorrow.
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Post by primrose on Oct 19, 2010 15:07:35 GMT -5
KL, sounds like a great list to take to your therapist. If I was looking for a new therapist these days id want to know if he\she really understood love addiction and childhood issues. Id need that to feel safe with someone. It sounds like you know exactly what you want to look at. Was wondering if you've read any Pia Mellody? I love her work. I'm no therapist, but it might be that her take on the avoidant\loveaddict could help you in your marriage. Wanting sex but not love or wanting love but not sex is kind of common for us, and it can change with inner work. It really has for me, and that's with a very lovely but therapy-avoidant husband V best with your session. P.
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Post by knowlove on Oct 19, 2010 21:33:29 GMT -5
Thanks for the suggestions Prim, much appreciated as I know you have so much going on! I do plan on asking her about Love Addiction and how she feels about it, is familiar, etc.
I read "Codependent No More", but not any of her others. It really is amazing how much I have learned about myself and how far I have come in 6 months. Granted it took me awhile to be ready to go NC but I also was aware of certain issues with POA. I did feel, near the end, he was trying in some ways but the Vegan thing changed all that and in reality, it was a blessing. I knew I needed to get out and thank God my prayers were answered.
Now hoping my therapy will help me find some answers. I realize they are not miracle workers but they should be able to help me find healing and new ways to face reality and not look for an escape every time. Also hoping they can somewhat organize my different issues. Either way, I am a lot better off now than I was 6 months ago, right?
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Post by knowlove on Oct 26, 2010 20:48:35 GMT -5
day 24-or day 3 after slip. Thinking a lot of POA, especially after having s issues with H. Poa was excellent at that and we were very compatible. Very difficult when s with H is not happening or even worse he wants me to fix it. Realize that POA was not a real friend and I am better off without him but it did make me feel better that he responded. Feel calmer. Other than that feeling overwhelmed by so many feelings coming at me and having so many of H's family here. Wondering when it is going to get better.
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Post by knowlove on Nov 12, 2010 19:52:49 GMT -5
I'ts been over 3 weeks since my slip of contacting him. I am doing better but I still miss the past, the fantasy, the person I wanted him to be. Even though that person probably does not exist, I miss him. It is during times of loneliness and boredom that I miss talking to him, the fix, the excitement. I realized during my recovery the past couple days that he would never be there for me, never help me, never do anything or offer to do anything. H was there for me. POA was never there, never offered anything. It's times like these when I reflect on him and miss him that I realize there was nothing there to miss. He gave nothing of himself and never put himself out. it is very clear he was extremely selfish and self serving. How can you miss someone like that? My mind fights to have that fantasy hold on...................but it wont. Reality is in the forefront now. There is no trying to change the scenario. It is always the same-nothing but emptiness. I wish for what never was and know it will never be. I thank God for my sanity and giving me the courage to say goodbye. I know it was the best thing for me but there is still an open wound that needs to heal and I have no doubt, with time and much therapy, it will and I can finally be a whole person.
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Post by knowlove on Nov 14, 2010 13:41:45 GMT -5
I was out last night with my H and family member and got through a few hours and then POA popped into my head and I thought "well, you got through several hours, thats good." I looked over at my H and I felt so bad that I wanted POA more than him, that I thought of nothing but POA for 18 months straight. I wondered why I couldnt feel that way about him? Why I enjoyed putting so much wasted time and effort into a guy who gave me NOTHING in return. I kept going back for more and more determined he would like me more, determined I would win him over. I'm not sure what I am looking for. I know I have my H's love, I have his attention so I am taking all that for granted while chasing my POA not giving up for one second. I utilized all my time and energy on him 24/7. I gave up so much just to wait around to be able to catch him online. WHY? For that high that he actually gave me the time of day? Why do I miss that? I hate that i miss it. The high, the boost, the thrill. Why can't I get that from my H? I think if I had it from POA and knew I had it, I would be feeling the same way. Bored. I chase the unobtainable knowing I will never get the prize (yeah some prize). I wish I didnt care anymore. I wish my brain would turn off like a light switch and I could walk away not caring..................but I do. I hate being LA. No one could ever guess what it is like to live inside my body unless they've lived with it. Deep down inside, I still want him to contact. A small part of me wants that, because when he doesnt it tells me he just doesnt give a damn and that hurts. I hate the hurt feelings part, feeling like a piece of trash thrown away. Like I never even mattered and he could care less how I feel. That is the worst part.
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Post by knowlove on Nov 15, 2010 20:11:02 GMT -5
I realize its been about 5 weeks since I broke up with POA. The past few days I have been thinking of him and feel like i miss him but dont know why. I mean, I know he was a selfish, self centered, controlling guy. If i look at the relationship realistically, there was nothing there except little hits when he chose to talk to me. Before his vegan conversion I felt like were getting closer. But, it really doesnt matter. it is what it is. I know, without a doubt, I am so much better off without him. So, why do I miss him and what is it I am missing? I know what he was and how he was so why in God's name do I miss him? I think maybe I am bored. Maybe I just want attention. He isnt very interesting really and he barely cared or asked after me so.......WTF? I do not want to care anymore. I am tired of caring. Why spend any time at all thinking of him when he never spent any time caring about me? I wish I was stronger and I wish this would all just go the hell away. I want my life back. But not the life I had before. A new life. A better more improved life where I am normal and sane and not wanting to fantasize and run away from my reality.
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Post by knowlove on Nov 16, 2010 20:57:15 GMT -5
Today I feel much better. I am trying not to think about any positives about ex-poa but the negative. How he made me feel like I didnt matter, how he blew me off, how he was so selfish and uncaring about ME. It really helps focusing on the reality of him and not the untrue, fantasy in my head. I am going to fill my time with things to do, especially now that the holiday season is around the corner. I am spending time with friends, making plans, even having a cookie swap! I plan on trying to look at ways to make myself happy, not look for outside sources or people. This doesnt mean I cant be with people and have fun or look for friends to bring me happiness by their presence. It will be about where I find true happiness. My second therapy session is on Thursday. I have to say i love the idea of IC to get to the crux of my issues without worrying about H or anyone else hearing my thoughts or feelings. I have a set date in my mind. I am giving myself till April. By then Id like to be really far in my therapy and my search of what I need to fulfill ME. I want to fill in that gaping hole with something I know will fill my needs, sustain me and keep me from looking elsewhere for my fix. For today I am happy. I had a really good day and I am going to revel in it.
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Post by knowlove on Nov 17, 2010 20:17:10 GMT -5
October 2nd is the date of my break up with POA. October 20th was my slip when on Ambien (sleep med). Have not spoken to POA at all nor attempted any contact. I find myself looking at how his behavior changed after our talk in June, how he was giving me much more attention and we seemed to be getting closer. Then he started researching healthy eating, then on to veganism, then onto animal rights and activism. How he changed. And it angers me that he did that. That he became such a self righteous, know it all, selfish bastard. That he ruined it. It's not that I do not realize I am so much better off without him. It angers me that he cannot have a mind of his own and had to recite stupid statistics to me constantly. He only wanted to talk about animal rights and I swear he did it on purpose. I swear he damned the relationship on purpose because in every relationship he has, he always finds a reason to break up. One GF he told me had too many shoes. He said it was a red flag because it showed she could never be happy. Seriously? So, even though I KNOW I am better off, something inside me misses him, the person he came to be right before he changed. Yep. Time will heal me. I will find what is missing inside. But time wont change how good he was in bed and time wont change how I felt there with him. I highly doubt I will EVER have that with H. And that I do miss.
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Post by knowlove on Nov 22, 2010 21:49:19 GMT -5
Had a fantastic therapy session a few days ago. I learned that I feel powerless and not in control and this is where my anger stems from. I have felt for a very long time that I am responsible for other's happiness and that I always SHOULD do things, even when I don't feel like it. I really feel this therapist is excellent for me. On the other hand, I wish I stopped have any thoughts of Ex-POA. I realize what he is, what he's been all along and am thankful for realizing this and ending the relationship, HOWEVER, I want to end the thoughts of him, the fantasy and "good" memories that keep trying ti invade my brain. Why is this happening when I clearly know how bad he was for me and how selfish? I am going to keep working on this because I am determined to stop these thoughts. I realize how much I love my H and how good a thing we can have if I let go of ex-POA. Just need to tell my brain that.
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Post by knowlove on Nov 23, 2010 16:11:14 GMT -5
Last night I spoke with ex-poa after contacting him. I felt good for awhile knowing he was not blocking me or not speaking to me. I'm not sure why it matters so much after everything he's said and done. Im not sure what my need was but I want to stop caring what he thinks. He isn't worth 1 minute of my time. Why do I need the fix from someone who has shown me nothing but non chalance and not caring at all about me one iota? My need for the fix from him needs to go away. I want to be done with him once and for all. I wish i had a magic switch but I don't. I am so tired of caring. I want to look at him like sludge, like disgusting vomit. I want to feel he is vile and rotten. How can you change your feelings. I dont think I care about him, its ME and me needs to be fed. Just not sure what possible need he is feeding in me.
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Post by knowlove on Dec 3, 2010 10:12:29 GMT -5
I have been broken up with ex-poa since beginning of October. Since then, I have had contact a few times, most my doing, one his. Yesterday he came online and showed himself which he only does when he wants to chat as usually he goes invisible any other time and has even blocked me when he has gone online to talk to others. He was invisible then showed himself once he saw me online but did not contact. I sat here and wondered why he would show himself but not contact. Was this a test? Wash he busting my chops? I finally said hi because I couldnt stand that he was sitting right there and showing himself ON PURPOSE but not contacting.
So, I gave in and said Hi. he returned the hello right away. I asked how he was talked weather then said I had to go. Why give him anything more? I am continuing to move forward with my therapy and praying as I do, my need for attention from ex-poa will diminish. I think HE thinks he can just ask to come over once I am in my vacation place but that will NOT be happening. While I like to know he is "there" it doesnt mean I want to be with him anymore. I still remember how he treated me, especially at the end, how incredibly selfish he is and how it was always about him (and would continue to be). I know I am worth so much more than that and my H deserves to have my full attention to the M.
Praying the T works for us as she is now suggesting sex therapy and since it has been pretty bad for me, she feels that is much of my issue seeking A's. I know it isn't that simple, that there are many other underlying issues but am going to tackle them all as they come out without ex-poa in my life.
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Post by knowlove on Dec 6, 2010 18:55:30 GMT -5
Today is my 30th wedding anniversary. Last night we went out and had a really nice dinner. We have been getting along so well and been happy. Therapy has gone really and I feel I am going to learn so much from it. The ONE thing that is bothering me, the ONE thing that bugs the shit out of me is that I cannot just get over the loser. It's not that I WANT him but for some reason I cannot seem to let go. I want to hate him and forget he even exists. I want to have no good feelings at all and even though I dont in many ways I still feel this need for some type of attention. WHY? Why can't I let the stupid idiot go? He can give me NOTHING. I know this. BUT I continue to think about him and wish for attention from him. I hate that I even feel this way because he is such a user and loser and jerk and selfish asshole. There is not one redeeming thing about him. He has nothing going for him. I am angry that I feel this need and I want it to go away. NOW. I am going away with H tomorrow. We are going away for two nights and I am so glad to be away from everyone and everything. I pray that I can forget him and move on foreve rleaving him behind where he belongs.
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Post by primrose on Dec 8, 2010 5:45:11 GMT -5
Hey KL, happy aniversary lass I probably wrote this to you before, but a POA is usually such a powerful person for us because of the drip feed of attention. I can get lots of attention should I want it, but what I really really craved was a man who wouldn't love me, so I could chase him for his attention in the same way I chased my parents for their attention. If my POA had given me healthy loving attention in a consistant way, I wouldn't have become addicted to him. It's the intensity of someone who's always slipping away that was what I wanted. That way my child-self who chased her parents love, could chase and chase to her heart's content. And the longing I felt in withdrawal was all the longing I had as a child but had to repress. I didn't consciously feel that longing when I was a kid. I got on with my life and repressed the whole lot of it. I was a kid, I couldn't analyse and process my longing for my mother. there was no place in my family life for me to feel those feelings. But I still had all of those feelings, and in withdrawal they came back into my conscious awareness and overwhelmed me. The longing doesn't mean you don't love your husband. Actually, in a way, the longing doesn't have a lot to do with your husband. You'd feel the same longing if you were giving up drugs or alcohol, it's just with love addiction there's the added guilt because the longing is attached to another person. But the longing of an addict is the longing from childhood, and it's the giving up of the addiction that triggers the old feelings. Addiction gives the promise of escape, but eventually brings a person to the real feelings that lay under the need for escape. Hope that makes sense, I'm a bit spaced out today! x
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Post by serenity on Dec 8, 2010 12:11:03 GMT -5
I’m confused by our addicts desire to have a man that doesn’t love us. I know that i had a father who didn’t know how to show me love so i spent my childhood subconsciously trying to get his love but the idea that i actually WANT a man in my life who couldn’t/wouldn’t love me i just can’t get my head around. Maybe I’m not aware of how much i chased my father for his attention as i would become very sullen with him when he was mean to me and i would try to punish him with walls of silence which i learnt from my mother.
I don’t know how you managed it Prim but you chose a healthy man all those years ago when you had all your issues pushing you off centre and that to me looks a bit like a miracle if i look at the r/s’s I’ve chosen with my issues. I think I’m in need of getting my baseball bat out and having a good release of all my repressed feelings tonight.
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